What a barrage of emotions I’m going through? Let me explain. I’m at a point in my life where a lot of things from the past finally catch up to you and you are forced into a corner where changing yourself into a more adaptable version is your only option. All I’m trying to say is that I’m in that point of my life where I’m transition to my next self and it’s scary because I don’t know what to expect because I’ve been taking huge leaps of faith on certain decisions that may very well change u forever. And as things from the past come back to take a swing at you the current activities in your life are also beeping everywhere for you to handle them and not to forget the always creeping future that constantly pumps the pressure. You have to handle shit or something will give and we don’t want that. I’ve been there at the point where nothing makes sense and your mind crashes and burns and the verge of insanity that you always preach becomes a foregone reality. Hear it from me and those of us who have gone experienced such distraught times that it is for a fact not a happy place. I’m scared out of my wits of ever returning to that place after looking at how long it has taken me to fix shit or at least to this extent.
It’s been three years since I felt this sensation, this distinct warmness at the pit of my gut. You know when you suddenly feel like neo in the matrix and you just begin to dodge bullets and move as fast as them. When you no longer have to constantly look behind your back cause you ain’t scared any more. When you are so packed with zest u feel like scarface al’capone and tell them to bring it on. When the old shit no longer seems to hurt as it used to and the future seems to have a silver lining probably the only thing lacking in ur life. When voids left no longer sting cause you have had enough of the self pity. IM JUST READY TO GO, you know what I mean and I haven’t felt in that in well over four years and so in a bid to hold on to it and ride it to the end of this new babamboga epic adventure I decided it’s time to face one of my oldest of ghosts, twinkle nose I call her.
At first you’ld think how can such a magnificent specimen be referred to as a ghost but once something that happened way back gnaws at you more now than it did yesterday it becomes a ghost especially when ur torn between holding on cause you low key do not want to let go. Yeah five years ago I met a girl who hated at me at first sight and I reciprocated 100% but with time, getting to know each other it became fondness which later turned into close friendship then intimacy and finally three years in a collective unplanned sequence of prolonged events we realised we fell in love and no one said it but we knew. It was in my final year of high school, a year after not speaking to each other because I had a ‘girlfriend’, that it happened; we kissed and I became her first and I suddenly had someone in my life that I really cared about. But boys will be boys and in a bid to enjoy my youth, cumbered with pure immaturity, I fucked up and even though I tried to fix it we still drifted, never dating mind you.
We have lived seperate lives; mine slowly deteriorating after that moment in my life. I successfully ignored her for over a year staying away from her for as long as I could maybe cumbered with the occasional hey, you good : Yeah I’m good. Karma and her poetic justice came along during a period when I thought maybe finally I will forget twinkle nose when I met this gal I really liked, perhaps a more evil version of my perceived oldest ghost. Yeah for the second time I was truly really head over heels over a gal but like I said karma is the bitch she is for a reason, a well deserved contender of the bitch of the millennium title. My new obsession slowly becomes insecure and in time twinkle nose became a constant hot topic of our so ever heated arguments ultimately leading to the breakup accusing me of not letting go, that was shocking to me but hey I took it, after all I totally deserved it. For what it’s worth I don’t think I ever disrespected her nor ever thought of being disloyal, bygones became bygones. I was all alone in a city that I loved but didn’t love me and slowly turning me into a guy who probably won’t go down in history but will definitely go down on your sister. And I went thru gals like a hot knife on butter and 100% of the time anger and pure lust was the utter fire to my base and my dom self was born. To make a woman submit became the core and bane of every single meaningful relationship I’ve had till date.
Her memories became even more vivid as I went on pummeling myself through drugs like the last real spawn of ‘el chapo’. My lows were too hard to bear and getting high was my way to escape thinking of her and almost just tasting her at the tip of my tongue. Put on my sentimental tunes and get lost in the conversations we used to have and sometimes just picture the various ways I could James bond my way back into her life. The last true moment of happiness I had was with her on 31st December 2013 and I know even she can’t forget that day either but now I’m just lost in my liquor store blues reminiscing. Last year, perhaps karma again, I met someone and though we were both detached to each other me more than her; FWBs finally turned into a real thing but it was kind of a me you and her situation. In the process of whatever went down she taught me how to love again or let me say to the state where I value someone else more than I do myself and boom the passionate dom-loving sub bond but that’s a story for another day.
As I was just beginning to settle in into my new found flame karma pops one more knock and she leaves, kinda teaching me that some people come into your life and they touch you in such a way you can never forget and when they leave they go with a part of you that you can never have back and when you’re torn between holding on and never really letting go you may forgo certain things that were yours but u were so blind to see. And it was at that moment that it hit me I need to find closure and finally let go of twinkle nose. I needed to snip the bud and give up on the idea that some friendships can be salvaged. I had to give up on the idea that she was the one.
So after half a year of small talk and trying to meet her I just finally decided to bring it up on text and get it over with. I asked questions I needed answers to and she was very understanding to even let me go that far. In that small exchange of words I noticed a lot. And it became very clear that this can only happen if the world wants it to happen she may have forgiven me but u could still see the cold bitterness and my muse adviced that probably she doesn’t want to get past it and it’s not for me. For her that it is a safe guard becoming the only way we can never really develop a closeness again and no matter how much I try only she will decide.
Yeah so I said my goodbye and she might not have noticed it but It felt better later and now it’s to erase her for if I have to move forward I have to stay as far away from anything that might get to me. One thing I know is that I can never lie to myself…as a writer, I’m a sucker for happy endings, the guy gets the girl, she saves him from himself, fade to fucking black. As a guy who loves a girl, I realize there’s no such thing. There’s no sunset. There is just now, and there is just the two of us, which can be scary fucking ugly sometimes but if you close your eyes and listen to the whisper of your heart, if you simply keep trying and never ever give up no matter how many times you get it wrong until the beginning and ending blur into something called until we meet again…