THIS IS IT

What a barrage of emotions I’m going through? Let me explain. I’m at a point in my life where a lot of things from the past finally catch up to you and you are forced into a corner where changing yourself into a more adaptable version is your only option. All I’m trying to say is that I’m in that point of my life where I’m transition to my next self and it’s scary because I don’t know what to expect because I’ve been taking huge leaps of faith on certain decisions that may very well change u forever. And as things from the past come back to take a swing at you the current activities in your life are also beeping everywhere for you to handle them and not to forget the always creeping future that constantly pumps the pressure. You have to handle shit or something will give and we don’t want that. I’ve been there at the point where nothing makes sense and your mind crashes and burns and the verge of insanity that you always preach becomes a foregone reality. Hear it from me and those of us who have gone experienced such distraught times that it is for a fact not a happy place. I’m scared out of my wits of ever returning to that place after looking at how long it has taken me to fix shit or at least to this extent.

It’s been three years since I felt this sensation, this distinct warmness at the pit of my gut. You know when you suddenly feel like neo in the matrix and you just begin to dodge bullets and move as fast as them. When you no longer have to constantly look behind your back cause you ain’t scared any more. When you are so packed with zest u feel like scarface al’capone and tell them to bring it on. When the old shit no longer seems to hurt as it used to and the future seems to have a silver lining probably the only thing lacking in ur life. When voids left no longer sting cause you have had enough of the self pity. IM JUST READY TO GO, you know what I mean and I haven’t felt in that in well over four years and so in a bid to hold on to it and ride it to the end of this new babamboga epic adventure I decided it’s time to face one of my oldest of ghosts, twinkle nose I call her.

At first you’ld think how can such a magnificent specimen be referred to as a ghost but once something that happened way back gnaws at you more now than it did yesterday it becomes a ghost especially when ur torn between holding on cause you low key do not want to let go. Yeah five years ago I met a girl who hated at me at first sight and I reciprocated 100% but with time, getting to know each other it became fondness which later turned into close friendship then intimacy and finally three years in a collective unplanned sequence of prolonged events we realised we fell in love and no one said it but we knew. It was in my final year of high school, a year after not speaking to each other because I had a ‘girlfriend’, that it happened; we kissed and I became her first and I suddenly had someone in my life that I really cared about. But boys will be boys and in a bid to enjoy my youth, cumbered with pure immaturity, I fucked up and even though I tried to fix it we still drifted, never dating mind you.

We have lived seperate lives; mine slowly deteriorating after that moment in my life. I successfully ignored her for over a year staying away from her for as long as I could maybe cumbered with the occasional hey, you good : Yeah I’m good. Karma and her poetic justice came along during a period when I thought maybe finally I will forget twinkle nose when I met this gal I really liked, perhaps a more evil version of my perceived oldest ghost. Yeah for the second time I was truly really head over heels over a gal but like I said karma is the bitch she is for a reason, a well deserved contender of the bitch of the millennium title. My new obsession slowly becomes insecure and in time twinkle nose became a constant hot topic of our so ever heated arguments ultimately leading to the breakup accusing me of not letting go, that was shocking to me but hey I took it, after all I totally deserved it. For what it’s worth I don’t think I ever disrespected her nor ever thought of being disloyal, bygones became bygones. I was all alone in a city that I loved but didn’t love me and slowly turning me into a guy who probably won’t go down in history but will definitely go down on your sister. And I went thru gals like a hot knife on butter and 100% of the time anger and pure lust was the utter fire to my base and my dom self was born. To make a woman submit became the core and bane of every single meaningful relationship I’ve had till date.

Her memories became even more vivid as I went on pummeling myself through drugs like the last real spawn of ‘el chapo’. My lows were too hard to bear and getting high was my way to escape thinking of her and almost just tasting her at the tip of my tongue. Put on my sentimental tunes and get lost in the conversations we used to have and sometimes just picture the various ways I could James bond my way back into her life. The last true moment of happiness I had was with her on 31st December 2013 and I know even she can’t forget that day either but now I’m just lost in my liquor store blues reminiscing. Last year, perhaps karma again, I met someone and though we were both detached to each other me more than her; FWBs finally turned into a real thing but it was kind of a me you and her situation. In the process of whatever went down she taught me how to love again or let me say to the state where I value someone else more than I do myself and boom the passionate dom-loving sub bond but that’s a story for another day.

As I was just beginning to settle in into my new found flame karma pops one more knock and she leaves, kinda teaching me that some people come into your life and they touch you in such a way you can never forget and when they leave they go with a part of you that you can never have back and when you’re torn between holding on and never really letting go you may forgo certain things that were yours but u were so blind to see. And it was at that moment that it hit me I need to find closure and finally let go of twinkle nose. I needed to snip the bud and give up on the idea that some friendships can be salvaged. I had to give up on the idea that she was the one.

So after half a year of small talk and trying to meet her I just finally decided to bring it up on text and get it over with. I asked questions I needed answers to and she was very understanding to even let me go that far. In that small exchange of words I noticed a lot. And it became very clear that this can only happen if the world wants it to happen she may have forgiven me but u could still see the cold bitterness and my muse adviced that probably she doesn’t want to get past it and it’s not for me. For her that it is a safe guard becoming the only way we can never really develop a closeness again and no matter how much I try only she will decide.

Yeah so I said my goodbye and she might not have noticed it but It felt better later and now it’s to erase her for if I have to move forward I have to stay as far away from anything that might get to me. One thing I know is that I can never lie to myself…as a writer, I’m a sucker for happy endings, the guy gets the girl, she saves him from himself, fade to fucking black. As a guy who loves a girl, I realize there’s no such thing. There’s no sunset. There is just now, and there is just the two of us, which can be scary fucking ugly sometimes but if you close your eyes and listen to the whisper of your heart, if you simply keep trying and never ever give up no matter how many times you get it wrong until the beginning and ending blur into something called until we meet again…

MBOGA LIVES.

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REMINISCING (HELLO!)

Most people confuse love to be everlasting and I don’t blame them but I believe in real sense it’s only eternal. Yeah you sit around long enough love finds you, you enjoy it as it is your human nature and if it sticks around long enough you would wish  to keep it. If it is for you then you will stay happy ever after but if it goes sour the feelings may fade but u will always be left with the memories and as long as you still have all those memories of you being faded with them then it is seemingly impossible to forget love and not yearn for it either.

But then there are those kinds of loves you can never forget. You first love. Yeah, those people outside family that first opened your soul to possibilities and Valhalla in itself, those people outside family that actually got to the softest side of the demons within, those people that you felt comfortable around for the first time, enough, to show your true self to. Well, I thought about her today and I thought about the things she used to say and I thought about the things we did. And I thought about her getting a kid before we ever got together cause I’d have to be that lil niggas step-pops forever. I thought about how we never really did date and how I desperately wish we did but that ain’t probably my thing cause I ain’t even got my own and I don’t really got no home; no place to put these things that I own. For now home is wherever I lay my head and I thought about how she don’t deserve that.

And I thought about the games we used to play. I thought of the day I became her first fuck ever. I always thought that we would always be together. I always knew that we would always be together and somehow last forever but I sure ain’t going to try and wait forever because I fucked it up for both of us so hello, hello, hello.

Shit seems so sad when you look back. Don’t it seem so sad when you look back? I ain’t going to sit back no more; I’d rather get on to it. I’ve been reaching out in my small ways always hoping you would extend a hand right back, texting you as a friend just so I can feel that so radiant glow of urs. That spark that got my insides all jumbled up, stalking you just to see that ever gorgeous face. I restrain myself from getting corky and comfortable with your memories and anyway after you all I have ever had to see was one failed connection after another. Maybe on some connections I felt they could fill the emptiness I feel when I think about you even if it’s once a month it’s enough to make me doubt myself. The sole reason I know we can’t be the normal friends we used to be because I will always want more and I know u don’t trust me enough to go that far for me.

I’ve long met others I loved after you but some left, others backstabbed, well some just didn’t work out and it all feels like karma is punishing me for hurting you the way I did when I shouldn’t have. I’m on my knees…I have nothing more to learn and nothing more to offer than what I already can as a man with a soul and a heart that yearns for fulfillment. But I have grown to live with it even though sometimes it gets so bitter, dark and dreary. I just almost want to call u up and ask, “Hey, what’s been good?” but then that’s to cheesy I’d prefer the classic …Hello, hello, hello.

Time fly by too quick, don’t it? And sometimes reflection brings regrets, doesn’t it? And though I say I never regretted a damn thing well I lie. How our story ended is my only regret in life, probably the only regret ever. I was stupid, I was young, reckless and I did everything wrong just at the moment u needed me, when I should have done so much better. I’m always afraid you will become my biggest if. But somehow, maybe a blessing in disguise, my character has changed since that moment…molded into what I believe something better. Haunted by the fact that I hurt the lady who first loved me and I loved right back without putting up a fight. It’s been five months since we last spoke, one year two months since I last saw you and three years since we last spent time together. You came home, we watched new girl season one, you hugged the teddy bear and that was all she ever wrote.

I have learnt a lot.

Rejection gets u all defensive, you protect your pride with your super quick reflexes but life is a game with no reset button at the end and eventually it will dawn on you and so u either face it head on and deal with it or just wussy out and remain a cheap emotional wreck. Grow from what comes…life has lessons with no retakes…it happens once and you have to learn from it and make a decision and move on. But have u ever really moved on from your first love? If they popped in right now in ur life wouldn’t it spark some old flames? Though I ain’t trynna look back, you got to wonder how it would have gone if I things went as they should have? I review our relationship every time before I dated like watching previous fights in preparation for the next just to remind myself never again. Learning to stop being a careless insensitive fool forgetting that the small things are what matter the most. I thought about the pet names we had for each other, all built through three years of friendship together. Twinkle nose for every time you smiled and cutely shied away when I beeped your nose. Twinkle toes for every time I thoughtlessly lost myself to the rhythm in my head and danced my soul out.

What we had wasn’t perfect but it was bliss. Oh sweet sweet bliss…probably the first time I felt high without being high.

I still have that crush on you, I guess it never really ends, and I know I wasn’t VIP then but I was plotting on you. I wish we never drifted but bygones became bygones and though I still look at ur number and wish of calling you and just listen to you breathe and yell at me but I don’t know if how I have grown is good for you or it will break you but I’m still a work in progress and not in need to be a burden to you or anyone else for that matter. Maybe one day I will come back in to your life but one thing’s for sure it will be when I have everything right and if I do may the bitter man win.

It was real because you became my home. Maybe it’s too late to say all this and turning back but fuck that I hope we go back to continuing what we started just so that I can say,” get your ass in that position I’d love to bend you in and let u hold me down.”

TWINKLE NOSE.

Where do I start with this one? I sincerely don’t know, but I can tell you for one that this one was totally different and unpredictable. Have you ever met someone who you hated first before you liked. Not hate as much but dislike each other until its unbearable to sit together. Anyway, to cut the long story short twinkle nose is this amazing girl who I have been friends with for more than three years now and I can tell you it has been one hell of a roller coaster ride of emotions and more emotions. However, I am not here to write a eulogy of a beautiful relationship that might have gone sour nor I’m I here to right the chronological events of how this friendship is.

Technically I am here just to disapprove her cause she thinks she ain’t an awesome person and like I said I am a blogger. First of all she needs to know that our pact stands and that I will always be there as long as she needs me but first let me say she has a big heart. She is too caring and enjoys doing the most girly things. She is too caring sometimes I think that she might just adopt a hurt anaconda if there was no place to take it but it is also quite possible that she would kill anyone who messes her up but she doesn’t have to I would already have done that a long time ago.

She is a joker. She is never too serious though tries so hard to be. She has some of the funniest jokes ever and sometimes she doesn’t have to say things so that can she be funny. She engages in activities that would embarrass her but she laughs it off and in turn she makes other people around her too happy too quick. She is a bundle of joy and I can say for a fact I can’t think of a day I was with her that we didn’t end up laughing like some haunted people.

She never quits. I can swear she won’t give up no matter how much shit is dumped on her. I can’t really say how she does it but as soon as her failure is done she gets back up and gives it one more shot. She entirely doesn’t have it all planned out but if you could possibly show her the way she will do it just the way it is supposed to be.

She is crazy and completely weird. She is like a mixture of Dexter and DeeDee together in one body. She has some of the weirdest activities ever but she ends up making them the cutest. Her being crazy makes her a worthwhile team player like I said she won’t be afraid of what to do or how to do it she will walk out and just do it. That craziness at times ends up rubbing on people around her.

She has the best personality. An out-forward personality that makes her glow a mile away. She doesn’t choose who to be friends with and gives you more than enough chances to be there for her. She enjoys what she enjoys and will give it to you straight if she thinks you need to hear it. She enjoys the most girliest of things not because they are girly but cause she likes it like that. She sometimes gets hurt but instead of talking about it, she would rather sleep on it thinking she will somehow heal but naah twinkle nose that’s not the way.

I could seriously go on and on about everything and everything about her and to be honest she is just too awesome for life. She has an awesome family, enjoys eating cause she has this gigantic appetite, she has the best kind of shape, she is scared of small things like growing a tummy. She has changed much over this time but I can sincerely tell you she always flushes when you touch the tip of her nose. If it were not today then I swear I would have entirely written more than a page but this is what you need to read for now twinkle nose. You are awesome and it has been very much fulfilling to be here this long and so if I have managed to be here this long don’t you think I will be there when you have grandkids.

Oh I almost forgot she has the cutest puppy dog eyes.