REMINISCING (HELLO!)

Most people confuse love to be everlasting and I don’t blame them but I believe in real sense it’s only eternal. Yeah you sit around long enough love finds you, you enjoy it as it is your human nature and if it sticks around long enough you would wish  to keep it. If it is for you then you will stay happy ever after but if it goes sour the feelings may fade but u will always be left with the memories and as long as you still have all those memories of you being faded with them then it is seemingly impossible to forget love and not yearn for it either.

But then there are those kinds of loves you can never forget. You first love. Yeah, those people outside family that first opened your soul to possibilities and Valhalla in itself, those people outside family that actually got to the softest side of the demons within, those people that you felt comfortable around for the first time, enough, to show your true self to. Well, I thought about her today and I thought about the things she used to say and I thought about the things we did. And I thought about her getting a kid before we ever got together cause I’d have to be that lil niggas step-pops forever. I thought about how we never really did date and how I desperately wish we did but that ain’t probably my thing cause I ain’t even got my own and I don’t really got no home; no place to put these things that I own. For now home is wherever I lay my head and I thought about how she don’t deserve that.

And I thought about the games we used to play. I thought of the day I became her first fuck ever. I always thought that we would always be together. I always knew that we would always be together and somehow last forever but I sure ain’t going to try and wait forever because I fucked it up for both of us so hello, hello, hello.

Shit seems so sad when you look back. Don’t it seem so sad when you look back? I ain’t going to sit back no more; I’d rather get on to it. I’ve been reaching out in my small ways always hoping you would extend a hand right back, texting you as a friend just so I can feel that so radiant glow of urs. That spark that got my insides all jumbled up, stalking you just to see that ever gorgeous face. I restrain myself from getting corky and comfortable with your memories and anyway after you all I have ever had to see was one failed connection after another. Maybe on some connections I felt they could fill the emptiness I feel when I think about you even if it’s once a month it’s enough to make me doubt myself. The sole reason I know we can’t be the normal friends we used to be because I will always want more and I know u don’t trust me enough to go that far for me.

I’ve long met others I loved after you but some left, others backstabbed, well some just didn’t work out and it all feels like karma is punishing me for hurting you the way I did when I shouldn’t have. I’m on my knees…I have nothing more to learn and nothing more to offer than what I already can as a man with a soul and a heart that yearns for fulfillment. But I have grown to live with it even though sometimes it gets so bitter, dark and dreary. I just almost want to call u up and ask, “Hey, what’s been good?” but then that’s to cheesy I’d prefer the classic …Hello, hello, hello.

Time fly by too quick, don’t it? And sometimes reflection brings regrets, doesn’t it? And though I say I never regretted a damn thing well I lie. How our story ended is my only regret in life, probably the only regret ever. I was stupid, I was young, reckless and I did everything wrong just at the moment u needed me, when I should have done so much better. I’m always afraid you will become my biggest if. But somehow, maybe a blessing in disguise, my character has changed since that moment…molded into what I believe something better. Haunted by the fact that I hurt the lady who first loved me and I loved right back without putting up a fight. It’s been five months since we last spoke, one year two months since I last saw you and three years since we last spent time together. You came home, we watched new girl season one, you hugged the teddy bear and that was all she ever wrote.

I have learnt a lot.

Rejection gets u all defensive, you protect your pride with your super quick reflexes but life is a game with no reset button at the end and eventually it will dawn on you and so u either face it head on and deal with it or just wussy out and remain a cheap emotional wreck. Grow from what comes…life has lessons with no retakes…it happens once and you have to learn from it and make a decision and move on. But have u ever really moved on from your first love? If they popped in right now in ur life wouldn’t it spark some old flames? Though I ain’t trynna look back, you got to wonder how it would have gone if I things went as they should have? I review our relationship every time before I dated like watching previous fights in preparation for the next just to remind myself never again. Learning to stop being a careless insensitive fool forgetting that the small things are what matter the most. I thought about the pet names we had for each other, all built through three years of friendship together. Twinkle nose for every time you smiled and cutely shied away when I beeped your nose. Twinkle toes for every time I thoughtlessly lost myself to the rhythm in my head and danced my soul out.

What we had wasn’t perfect but it was bliss. Oh sweet sweet bliss…probably the first time I felt high without being high.

I still have that crush on you, I guess it never really ends, and I know I wasn’t VIP then but I was plotting on you. I wish we never drifted but bygones became bygones and though I still look at ur number and wish of calling you and just listen to you breathe and yell at me but I don’t know if how I have grown is good for you or it will break you but I’m still a work in progress and not in need to be a burden to you or anyone else for that matter. Maybe one day I will come back in to your life but one thing’s for sure it will be when I have everything right and if I do may the bitter man win.

It was real because you became my home. Maybe it’s too late to say all this and turning back but fuck that I hope we go back to continuing what we started just so that I can say,” get your ass in that position I’d love to bend you in and let u hold me down.”

Advertisements