MY FIVE INTOLERABLE & UNFORGIVABLE SINS

I have a daily routine. I have my own style and way of approaching things cause I view the world from any relevant position? Don’t we all, but in the midst of my pursuit for the finer things in life there are certain things that at times if not most I just can’t stomach. Things that I feel are not excusable at all and I always make it my business to react as cold and hard as I can. Most of the time it is pure instinct and a reflex action. These are things that I usually find very impossible to forgive not forgetting the forgetting part. Clearly whoever said forgive and forget had one short term memory. I don’t know about you but here are what I consider my unforgiveable sins.

  1. Disloyalty – I hate disloyal people. Even if at the end of the day you had your reasons, you gotta understand that sometimes tough love is necessary. No way to sugar coat it but betrayal is betrayal and my mind won’t change any time soon. No one enjoys being played for a fool so I’d rather have someone get straight with me and even if I got mad my life is not some ‘ get rich or die tryin’ shit, so I will understand and it’s much better than waking up one morning and realising the person you held so dearly and probably would go thru hell for would give u up and leave you out to dry in the snap of my fingers. And besides its more time saving when someone just comes out straight with you and tell you hey I got an offer and I’m going to take it. Yeah it is still betrayal but at least it doesn’t leave me vengeful and bitter or more salty than some chicken inn chicken. And I could say if I mistreat you then to some extent its acceptable but that’s not the disloyalty I am referring to but just in case you still don’t get me; stealing from your business partner, cheating on a long term relationship, playing for the local derby rivals, a dad leaving his home for another, a mum abandoning her child for whatever reason. That’s just some disloyalty that should never be tolerated but if by chance I do forgive you then God is good.
  2. Assumptions – Don’t come throwing allegations or making bold statements that you just can’t back up leading you to making very stupid unhealthy decisions that bring forth their own kinds of consequences. But the worst of them all are those people who assume, get caught but still can’t admit it especially when you call yourself a man. But who I’m I to say I am not the SI unit of what a man is. Allow me to say, LOL! I may forgive you but respect dwindles and I soon brand you a stereotypical and naïve person. For I to stop calling you these names ever so often is if you show some knowledge and validity in our conversations and arguments or just simply stop being my friend. There are more than 7 billion people in the world and I’d rather be a dick than a swallower.
  3. Immaturity – I bloody hell hate immature people. People who are 22 but whine for no reason. Please my dear reader let us get one thing straight, there is a difference between being goofy and being immature. Most goofy people come out as childish but it doesn’t mean they are immature. Goofy people occasionally get annoying and embarrassing at some point in the day. Then there is the immature person, the toddlers who can surprisingly walk on twos. I can spot immaturity from so far away no binoculars required and quite frankly I don’t mind if anyone comes and tells me I’m being immature. Yeah, I might not like it doesn’t mean it has to be wrong but only point this out to me if you are mature yourself. I think the only kind of immaturity I’m impartial to is from children and my younger relatives and probably my own spawns and quite frankly their mother who is allowed to be immature from time to time. I actually have nothing against situational immaturity cause sometimes it helps u get what u want(a woman perfected art). Not owning up to your mistakes and acting out as the victim – immaturity, becoming a total jackass over a small ass situation – immaturity, saying la la la na na na in an argument to piss the other party off – stone cold immaturity. The list is plentiful but I know u now get the solid picture. So please DON’T BE IMMATURE…ACT YOUR AGE.
  4. Judgment – If u think I hate immature people then you have not seen the spite I have against little ‘miss perfects’ who happen to be more judgmental than HON Maraga in the supreme court. You know those people who have very small little cunts for minds and can’t have empathy, sympathy and understanding for a situationship cause it’s not them at the end of a magnifying glass. Close your eyes and think deep, I bet you can’t miss at least one person who thinks they are the very embodiment of the word perfect. It’s like they are in reception waiting to be the next angels. It’s like they are part of some ‘uknown’ royalty dynasty that Siri nor Google can trace. First of all no one is perfect. Secondly if you ain’t a judge in court or a police officer then to hell with what you want to tell me especially if you don’t know me enough. But if this person is constantly judgmental and its getting well out of hand I totally support the principle of fighting fire with fire. Just judge one aspect of their lives and usually, more often than not, the most judgmental people are the most insecure and getting under their skin just needs uncovering of one insecurity and boom this imaginative empire they hard and the make shift crown goes all down in the toilet. To those who have judgmental parents, teachers, guardians, instructors or even mentors; you are one tough motherfucker. Cheers to you. Anyway all I’m saying is if ur not giving me something I can actually use to fix my life then ur not at all someone I consider fit for advice giving so let your thoughts and opinions be yours and yours alone.
  5. Unjust criticism. To hate some artist’s music yet you have never heard a song or call someone careless when you have never actually seen or head of any incidence. To call someone lazy or even useless cause you never see them wear a suit and go to work yet you know nothing about their life. To call a celebrity not a role model like they ever asked for this shit or say they harsh cause of one tweet. To judge a player’s whole career based on one game or to diminish a legend’s legacy based on a sole event. That’s just hate with no cause and it’s more poisonous than the one I possess. Don’t criticize cause apparently it’s on now trending in twitter and everyone is doing it or maybe you can finally enjoy a united laughing session and feel like you fit in; that’s how a friend of mine participated in a mob justice that incapacitated an innocent man. The world already has enough hate so work on yours.

 

So yeah those are my five intolerable sins and at times very unforgiveable depending on the situation. I don’t know about you but I feel it’s justified. Feel free to throw down your comments and opinions if you think otherwise cause I’d be more than happy to respond.

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You-Love

Your sun rose in my life,

And dispelled the coldness of loneliness,

Shrinking the darkness of uncertainty,

This is a memory of time,

I hope the clock freezes forever,

Let this feeling warm the cockles,

Of my heart, soon to be yours,

The morose mist of sadness,

Rises and disappears in the heart,

And the steam rises like smoke,

From a mystic rite,

And halo of your sun,

Lights up my way,

Leaving shadows everywhere,

Just like magic,

I get a thousand hugs,

From the sun’s strobes,

I want to exist in this paradise

For an eternity.

THINKING OUT LOUD

Change literally means to become something else. To lose meaning of what you were before. Scrubbing off its existence like changing your name. If today you call yourself another name then that means you will not use your original name. You’ll be called that new name. Take for example famous celebrities who are called by there stage names and their real names don’t even exist anymore. Nicki Minaj for example her real name is onika but few people even know that. So why do we say we’ve changed? You’ll hear people say I’ve changed into a better person. I’ve changed to avoid a certain thing/situation. Let’s take another

Example, change in normal body temperature. Normal body temperature is said to be 37.5 and if an increase happen then we fall sick which in turn means our body has changed from its normal internal environmental conditions. We have to be treated to get better, if the temperature decreases we freeze. Then we look for warmth. So when we say we change have we really changed anything about ourselves yet we still like the same things; if you liked reading novels you’d still read them. If music kept you at ease you’d still listen to it. The truth is we don’t change we seek out the most logical path that can get us, through a tough situation. We were hurting so we look for a healing medicine. We turn to the things we know that keeps us at peace and a way to channel all those emotions we feel. When those things don’t help anymore. We turn to new things to find that absolute healing. Some start working out, some

express their feelings through words. So does that mean that person has changed? Let’s take another example; A phone cover – When you buy a phone cover that you like then use it for a while. So what happens when you want to get another? Do you throw the previous one and buy a new one. Why? Because you no longer have a use for it and so you don’t need it, do you? So my point being we don’t change instead we pick up new habits that suit us after a lethargic event just to find a lucid way of coping with your life to feel that void that has been left unfilled. Take the normal containers you use to put salt, sugar etc .When empty do you change the container and get a new one? Or you refill it with different brands of sugar. When a person has changed nothing in his/her life before fit anymore. They are a new person different from what they were before. Like a pencil the more you sharpen it the more it get lost in its case.(pencil case)…. So have you really changed?

 

 

 

 

 

Snow

REMINISCING (HELLO!)

Most people confuse love to be everlasting and I don’t blame them but I believe in real sense it’s only eternal. Yeah you sit around long enough love finds you, you enjoy it as it is your human nature and if it sticks around long enough you would wish  to keep it. If it is for you then you will stay happy ever after but if it goes sour the feelings may fade but u will always be left with the memories and as long as you still have all those memories of you being faded with them then it is seemingly impossible to forget love and not yearn for it either.

But then there are those kinds of loves you can never forget. You first love. Yeah, those people outside family that first opened your soul to possibilities and Valhalla in itself, those people outside family that actually got to the softest side of the demons within, those people that you felt comfortable around for the first time, enough, to show your true self to. Well, I thought about her today and I thought about the things she used to say and I thought about the things we did. And I thought about her getting a kid before we ever got together cause I’d have to be that lil niggas step-pops forever. I thought about how we never really did date and how I desperately wish we did but that ain’t probably my thing cause I ain’t even got my own and I don’t really got no home; no place to put these things that I own. For now home is wherever I lay my head and I thought about how she don’t deserve that.

And I thought about the games we used to play. I thought of the day I became her first fuck ever. I always thought that we would always be together. I always knew that we would always be together and somehow last forever but I sure ain’t going to try and wait forever because I fucked it up for both of us so hello, hello, hello.

Shit seems so sad when you look back. Don’t it seem so sad when you look back? I ain’t going to sit back no more; I’d rather get on to it. I’ve been reaching out in my small ways always hoping you would extend a hand right back, texting you as a friend just so I can feel that so radiant glow of urs. That spark that got my insides all jumbled up, stalking you just to see that ever gorgeous face. I restrain myself from getting corky and comfortable with your memories and anyway after you all I have ever had to see was one failed connection after another. Maybe on some connections I felt they could fill the emptiness I feel when I think about you even if it’s once a month it’s enough to make me doubt myself. The sole reason I know we can’t be the normal friends we used to be because I will always want more and I know u don’t trust me enough to go that far for me.

I’ve long met others I loved after you but some left, others backstabbed, well some just didn’t work out and it all feels like karma is punishing me for hurting you the way I did when I shouldn’t have. I’m on my knees…I have nothing more to learn and nothing more to offer than what I already can as a man with a soul and a heart that yearns for fulfillment. But I have grown to live with it even though sometimes it gets so bitter, dark and dreary. I just almost want to call u up and ask, “Hey, what’s been good?” but then that’s to cheesy I’d prefer the classic …Hello, hello, hello.

Time fly by too quick, don’t it? And sometimes reflection brings regrets, doesn’t it? And though I say I never regretted a damn thing well I lie. How our story ended is my only regret in life, probably the only regret ever. I was stupid, I was young, reckless and I did everything wrong just at the moment u needed me, when I should have done so much better. I’m always afraid you will become my biggest if. But somehow, maybe a blessing in disguise, my character has changed since that moment…molded into what I believe something better. Haunted by the fact that I hurt the lady who first loved me and I loved right back without putting up a fight. It’s been five months since we last spoke, one year two months since I last saw you and three years since we last spent time together. You came home, we watched new girl season one, you hugged the teddy bear and that was all she ever wrote.

I have learnt a lot.

Rejection gets u all defensive, you protect your pride with your super quick reflexes but life is a game with no reset button at the end and eventually it will dawn on you and so u either face it head on and deal with it or just wussy out and remain a cheap emotional wreck. Grow from what comes…life has lessons with no retakes…it happens once and you have to learn from it and make a decision and move on. But have u ever really moved on from your first love? If they popped in right now in ur life wouldn’t it spark some old flames? Though I ain’t trynna look back, you got to wonder how it would have gone if I things went as they should have? I review our relationship every time before I dated like watching previous fights in preparation for the next just to remind myself never again. Learning to stop being a careless insensitive fool forgetting that the small things are what matter the most. I thought about the pet names we had for each other, all built through three years of friendship together. Twinkle nose for every time you smiled and cutely shied away when I beeped your nose. Twinkle toes for every time I thoughtlessly lost myself to the rhythm in my head and danced my soul out.

What we had wasn’t perfect but it was bliss. Oh sweet sweet bliss…probably the first time I felt high without being high.

I still have that crush on you, I guess it never really ends, and I know I wasn’t VIP then but I was plotting on you. I wish we never drifted but bygones became bygones and though I still look at ur number and wish of calling you and just listen to you breathe and yell at me but I don’t know if how I have grown is good for you or it will break you but I’m still a work in progress and not in need to be a burden to you or anyone else for that matter. Maybe one day I will come back in to your life but one thing’s for sure it will be when I have everything right and if I do may the bitter man win.

It was real because you became my home. Maybe it’s too late to say all this and turning back but fuck that I hope we go back to continuing what we started just so that I can say,” get your ass in that position I’d love to bend you in and let u hold me down.”

I don’t know why

Primary school, she was the apple of my eye,

She was the most beautiful thing on earth,

I loved her teeth the way they sparkled when she smiled,

And she told me she would be my best friend,

I loved her; I tried to tell her,

But I was scared and I don’t know why.

 

High school, we participated in the games events,

We tried all we knew was that we were nowhere winning,

“It’s Okay”, she kept saying to me,

And her eyes glittered like they always did,

I loved her; I tried to tell her,

But I was scared and I don’t know why.

 

College, we had a science project,

Awkwardly enough, our project was ranked second,

She smiled as she always did and jumped up and down,

And I enjoyed seeing her happier than ever before,

I loved her; I tried to tell her,

But I was scared and I don’t know why.

 

Graduation, after picking my certificate,

She ran up to me hugged me and kissed me on the cheek,

“We finally made it”, she said, almost in a whisper,

But she had to go when her parents called her,

I loved her; I tried to tell her,

But I was scared and I don’t know why.

 

Wedding, it was her big day,

“You came!” she exclaimed when she saw me,

And hugged me on the happiest day of her life,

Then she left for her photo session,

Seeing her run away was so glorious,

I loved her; I tried to tell her,

But I was scared and I don’t know why.

 

Funeral, there she lay still,

Definitely dead in the coffin at the altar,

The vicar began to read her eulogy,

And he read many parts of her diaries which read,

“I loved him; I tried to tell him,

But I was scared and I don’t know why?”

I would have loved to hear that while she was alive,

“Me too”, was all I could say as I walked out and cried.

Dear Diary,

I’m used to my mind drifting these days; getting lost in my own thoughts every now and then, it becomes a thing. I know I made promises but I wonder as times stands as it is can I really amount to something. Do I even have faith? I push on because it’s my natural instinct to survive but how much more can I take of this. In particular moments in your own timeline you reach destinations that have scale tipping effects on your life and you’re met with hard choices; choices that sometimes are so hard yet need delicate answers to minimize the consequential results; such point is my life.

I find it so hard to inhale and explore what my mind can do but I have to exhale and its either I can’t or I don’t remember how to. I’m a walking ticking time bomb, stressed beyond my years by things that appear so easy to handle yet so hard to understand. I’m past that point where blaming karma is just stupid because I know better. I have these ideas that I can’t build into anything because I no longer have my peace of mind. To assume life is easy is ignorance but then to brand it difficult isn’t the best of terms. Life is confusing and probably with everything it has to offer it is not easy to understand. Simply life is just one huge tricky situation 70% of the time. I believe the best way to approach life is to take one step at a time with regards to both the past and the future because to say that they don’t matter is beyond arrogance but then again now is the only component of time that actually really matters but what if the next step is too far up, slippery, muddy and shrunk? What if the next step is a puzzle you cannot solve?

I know they say the only way is up but what happens when u get to up? The more I think about my problems the more I realize I am caught in a constant loop where every passing second is unrecoverable while the next might never come. In all honesty I wish for once I could just take the mask off and admit I don’t know the fuck I’m doing and I need help but who do I show my true self to. You could say my girlfriend but she got her own shit fucked up and she can’t trust herself. You would say my parents but the family drama that has already taken its heavy toll in my life doesn’t allow. I don’t have a mentor.  I’m just a 21 yr old guy who doesn’t know what to do. They say life is a test but who the hell is my tutor.

Sometimes I wonder are my peers out there just like me? Do they need help and isn’t that they u can’t ask for it but u don’t have the right person to ask from and so u try to do everything by yourself and turns out when they said self made they didn’t really mean ‘self’ made. I bet u don’t get where u need to be in this world without help or support from at least one other person but that’s the problem…what if you don’t get the right support?

These days keep going by and I try to keep an open mind but I got wounds within wounds that bring out even bigger wounds I didn’t know I had. I think I need a shrink or a muse or something that can help me out. It’s not that I don’t have moves to make I just don’t know if they are the right ones. I’m hoping that the man upstairs helps out but for all that I have done I won’t be mad if he didn’t feel obliged to give me direction. Yeah, I’m so awesome I judged myself. I try to talk but there is nothing I really wish to say because I just see the other person at the end of the conversation feeling burdened.

I’m hoping that I can suck it up and make the right choice but it’s the consequences that might result I am so afraid of yet if I ignore it then the consequences are infinitely poisonous to both concerned and uncounted for parties. I’m hoping I will get drank with someone and maybe I will talk to my heart’s feel then but till then I will stick to what works in the mean time and hopefully as I stall I will find a solution to my shit cause at the back of my mind; TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK…….BOOOOOOOM! Pop goes the weasel.