REMINISCING (HELLO!)

Most people confuse love to be everlasting and I don’t blame them but I believe in real sense it’s only eternal. Yeah you sit around long enough love finds you, you enjoy it as it is your human nature and if it sticks around long enough you would wish  to keep it. If it is for you then you will stay happy ever after but if it goes sour the feelings may fade but u will always be left with the memories and as long as you still have all those memories of you being faded with them then it is seemingly impossible to forget love and not yearn for it either.

But then there are those kinds of loves you can never forget. You first love. Yeah, those people outside family that first opened your soul to possibilities and Valhalla in itself, those people outside family that actually got to the softest side of the demons within, those people that you felt comfortable around for the first time, enough, to show your true self to. Well, I thought about her today and I thought about the things she used to say and I thought about the things we did. And I thought about her getting a kid before we ever got together cause I’d have to be that lil niggas step-pops forever. I thought about how we never really did date and how I desperately wish we did but that ain’t probably my thing cause I ain’t even got my own and I don’t really got no home; no place to put these things that I own. For now home is wherever I lay my head and I thought about how she don’t deserve that.

And I thought about the games we used to play. I thought of the day I became her first fuck ever. I always thought that we would always be together. I always knew that we would always be together and somehow last forever but I sure ain’t going to try and wait forever because I fucked it up for both of us so hello, hello, hello.

Shit seems so sad when you look back. Don’t it seem so sad when you look back? I ain’t going to sit back no more; I’d rather get on to it. I’ve been reaching out in my small ways always hoping you would extend a hand right back, texting you as a friend just so I can feel that so radiant glow of urs. That spark that got my insides all jumbled up, stalking you just to see that ever gorgeous face. I restrain myself from getting corky and comfortable with your memories and anyway after you all I have ever had to see was one failed connection after another. Maybe on some connections I felt they could fill the emptiness I feel when I think about you even if it’s once a month it’s enough to make me doubt myself. The sole reason I know we can’t be the normal friends we used to be because I will always want more and I know u don’t trust me enough to go that far for me.

I’ve long met others I loved after you but some left, others backstabbed, well some just didn’t work out and it all feels like karma is punishing me for hurting you the way I did when I shouldn’t have. I’m on my knees…I have nothing more to learn and nothing more to offer than what I already can as a man with a soul and a heart that yearns for fulfillment. But I have grown to live with it even though sometimes it gets so bitter, dark and dreary. I just almost want to call u up and ask, “Hey, what’s been good?” but then that’s to cheesy I’d prefer the classic …Hello, hello, hello.

Time fly by too quick, don’t it? And sometimes reflection brings regrets, doesn’t it? And though I say I never regretted a damn thing well I lie. How our story ended is my only regret in life, probably the only regret ever. I was stupid, I was young, reckless and I did everything wrong just at the moment u needed me, when I should have done so much better. I’m always afraid you will become my biggest if. But somehow, maybe a blessing in disguise, my character has changed since that moment…molded into what I believe something better. Haunted by the fact that I hurt the lady who first loved me and I loved right back without putting up a fight. It’s been five months since we last spoke, one year two months since I last saw you and three years since we last spent time together. You came home, we watched new girl season one, you hugged the teddy bear and that was all she ever wrote.

I have learnt a lot.

Rejection gets u all defensive, you protect your pride with your super quick reflexes but life is a game with no reset button at the end and eventually it will dawn on you and so u either face it head on and deal with it or just wussy out and remain a cheap emotional wreck. Grow from what comes…life has lessons with no retakes…it happens once and you have to learn from it and make a decision and move on. But have u ever really moved on from your first love? If they popped in right now in ur life wouldn’t it spark some old flames? Though I ain’t trynna look back, you got to wonder how it would have gone if I things went as they should have? I review our relationship every time before I dated like watching previous fights in preparation for the next just to remind myself never again. Learning to stop being a careless insensitive fool forgetting that the small things are what matter the most. I thought about the pet names we had for each other, all built through three years of friendship together. Twinkle nose for every time you smiled and cutely shied away when I beeped your nose. Twinkle toes for every time I thoughtlessly lost myself to the rhythm in my head and danced my soul out.

What we had wasn’t perfect but it was bliss. Oh sweet sweet bliss…probably the first time I felt high without being high.

I still have that crush on you, I guess it never really ends, and I know I wasn’t VIP then but I was plotting on you. I wish we never drifted but bygones became bygones and though I still look at ur number and wish of calling you and just listen to you breathe and yell at me but I don’t know if how I have grown is good for you or it will break you but I’m still a work in progress and not in need to be a burden to you or anyone else for that matter. Maybe one day I will come back in to your life but one thing’s for sure it will be when I have everything right and if I do may the bitter man win.

It was real because you became my home. Maybe it’s too late to say all this and turning back but fuck that I hope we go back to continuing what we started just so that I can say,” get your ass in that position I’d love to bend you in and let u hold me down.”

I don’t know why

Primary school, she was the apple of my eye,

She was the most beautiful thing on earth,

I loved her teeth the way they sparkled when she smiled,

And she told me she would be my best friend,

I loved her; I tried to tell her,

But I was scared and I don’t know why.

 

High school, we participated in the games events,

We tried all we knew was that we were nowhere winning,

“It’s Okay”, she kept saying to me,

And her eyes glittered like they always did,

I loved her; I tried to tell her,

But I was scared and I don’t know why.

 

College, we had a science project,

Awkwardly enough, our project was ranked second,

She smiled as she always did and jumped up and down,

And I enjoyed seeing her happier than ever before,

I loved her; I tried to tell her,

But I was scared and I don’t know why.

 

Graduation, after picking my certificate,

She ran up to me hugged me and kissed me on the cheek,

“We finally made it”, she said, almost in a whisper,

But she had to go when her parents called her,

I loved her; I tried to tell her,

But I was scared and I don’t know why.

 

Wedding, it was her big day,

“You came!” she exclaimed when she saw me,

And hugged me on the happiest day of her life,

Then she left for her photo session,

Seeing her run away was so glorious,

I loved her; I tried to tell her,

But I was scared and I don’t know why.

 

Funeral, there she lay still,

Definitely dead in the coffin at the altar,

The vicar began to read her eulogy,

And he read many parts of her diaries which read,

“I loved him; I tried to tell him,

But I was scared and I don’t know why?”

I would have loved to hear that while she was alive,

“Me too”, was all I could say as I walked out and cried.

Dear Diary,

I’m used to my mind drifting these days; getting lost in my own thoughts every now and then, it becomes a thing. I know I made promises but I wonder as times stands as it is can I really amount to something. Do I even have faith? I push on because it’s my natural instinct to survive but how much more can I take of this. In particular moments in your own timeline you reach destinations that have scale tipping effects on your life and you’re met with hard choices; choices that sometimes are so hard yet need delicate answers to minimize the consequential results; such point is my life.

I find it so hard to inhale and explore what my mind can do but I have to exhale and its either I can’t or I don’t remember how to. I’m a walking ticking time bomb, stressed beyond my years by things that appear so easy to handle yet so hard to understand. I’m past that point where blaming karma is just stupid because I know better. I have these ideas that I can’t build into anything because I no longer have my peace of mind. To assume life is easy is ignorance but then to brand it difficult isn’t the best of terms. Life is confusing and probably with everything it has to offer it is not easy to understand. Simply life is just one huge tricky situation 70% of the time. I believe the best way to approach life is to take one step at a time with regards to both the past and the future because to say that they don’t matter is beyond arrogance but then again now is the only component of time that actually really matters but what if the next step is too far up, slippery, muddy and shrunk? What if the next step is a puzzle you cannot solve?

I know they say the only way is up but what happens when u get to up? The more I think about my problems the more I realize I am caught in a constant loop where every passing second is unrecoverable while the next might never come. In all honesty I wish for once I could just take the mask off and admit I don’t know the fuck I’m doing and I need help but who do I show my true self to. You could say my girlfriend but she got her own shit fucked up and she can’t trust herself. You would say my parents but the family drama that has already taken its heavy toll in my life doesn’t allow. I don’t have a mentor.  I’m just a 21 yr old guy who doesn’t know what to do. They say life is a test but who the hell is my tutor.

Sometimes I wonder are my peers out there just like me? Do they need help and isn’t that they u can’t ask for it but u don’t have the right person to ask from and so u try to do everything by yourself and turns out when they said self made they didn’t really mean ‘self’ made. I bet u don’t get where u need to be in this world without help or support from at least one other person but that’s the problem…what if you don’t get the right support?

These days keep going by and I try to keep an open mind but I got wounds within wounds that bring out even bigger wounds I didn’t know I had. I think I need a shrink or a muse or something that can help me out. It’s not that I don’t have moves to make I just don’t know if they are the right ones. I’m hoping that the man upstairs helps out but for all that I have done I won’t be mad if he didn’t feel obliged to give me direction. Yeah, I’m so awesome I judged myself. I try to talk but there is nothing I really wish to say because I just see the other person at the end of the conversation feeling burdened.

I’m hoping that I can suck it up and make the right choice but it’s the consequences that might result I am so afraid of yet if I ignore it then the consequences are infinitely poisonous to both concerned and uncounted for parties. I’m hoping I will get drank with someone and maybe I will talk to my heart’s feel then but till then I will stick to what works in the mean time and hopefully as I stall I will find a solution to my shit cause at the back of my mind; TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK…….BOOOOOOOM! Pop goes the weasel.

PACT

Pieces of you, pieces of me,

Blood for blood,

Love for love,

Soul for soul,

Remind us of what we should be,

I gasp at the miles that separate,

And my distortion in the human mirror,

Makes me shrink in horror,

But you remained behind,

In a memory of a time,

I guarantee you,

Fate will bring us,

Me and you,

Together,

Forever.

PREFACE

This prose of thoughts,

So vile written in surrealism,

Empty echoes ring in my mind,

Seeking imprisonment in written word,

Like evanescence they disappear,

And the crescendo turns to diminuendo,

I turn to the rising black sun,

And gasp as the light hastily retreats,

My feet rebel and I feel so numb,

This darkness devours everything in its path,

With avarice it sucks at me,

With mesmeric force of an abyss,

The time is up and candles of life,

Go out,

Death be not proud,

Take the whole of me.

The BluePrint

We all have principles and rules that help us go through life with ease of choices we have to make to ensure survival.

  1. Do whats best for you usually with the best of your interests at heart.
  2. Do what makes you most happy.
  3. Be true to yourself:
    1. To your principles
    2. Uphold your dignity
    3. Remember you can never life to yourself. Lieing to yourself is the biggest sin I think one can commit as a human being.
  4. To your principles
  5. Uphold your dignity
  6. Remember you can never life to yourself. Lieing to yourself is the biggest sin I think one can commit as a human being.
  7. Treat yourself as you would treat others and vice versa’ treat others as you would treat yourself.

5.Be comfortable with your decisions. Make decisions you can handle.

  1. No matter life moves on.
  2. Pain is only relative and is a part of life. Accept rather than avoiding.
  3. Stick to your lane. Know your place. Never let it go to your head.
  4. Find your escape route from the darkness of the world. Something that tones down the stress or helps u play it down. A release point for all the negativity that builds up in you.

10.Always look at life from all the sides of the coin.

 

 

I am not saying that with this you will succeed in life but these are among the principles that guide me through this wretched world.