A SPIRITUAL FREETHINKER

In the words of the ever poetic J cole, “Should this be my last breath I’m blessed cause it was purposeful. Never got to church to worship Lord but please be merciful.

I don’t know if I truly believe in the bible or any religious scripture but I do consider that there must be a man upstairs or atleast some supernatural force responsible for our existence. Patient zero must have been a being of divine making or so I believe. God made me for a purpose I must be here for something so I’m gonna put my soul in this paragraphs. I’m a born sinner was never born to be perfect. I’m a born sinner but I’ll die better than that cause I try to live better than that and if no one ain’t fucking with that I don’t care.

I think about heaven sometimes, can’t wait to go if its real but will I even get in? I ain’t sure cause I’ve been sinning and still trying to atone for them very sins while I still walk this world. Lord I know you listen when I pray so that in time my mama can live that more desirable life. I’m chasing this dream and I’m so sorry it took me so long to find me and now my intuition has me believing there will be better days. Are we wrong for visualising the material thing we never had? Sometimes I question if you can blame me, a young black certified mind. Sometimes they say I’m wrong but I must be a product of your creation made in your likeness. Though my thoughts aren’t always clean I try to keep my deeds just and right.

I know I perceive the world differently and sometimes I don’t know whether to believe in you or lose my faith. I’m I doing it right or have I been wrong all along. The truth hurts and so it’s painful to the whole world that even the few that think they know probably know least. There is no truth and we all live in a world where faith is more denounced than appreciated yet we all want to believe in something for even just a solid minute. I believe I am an anomaly that only u can fully grasp but so does every misguided soul lost within the confides of their own mind.

Sometimes I scrap while sometimes I’m throwing up the peace sign but I think they should know, there’s always two sides to a nigga though. Sometimes I’m feeling high then I’m feeling low. Lord will I die or will I survive let a nigga know. They say they know me but which side did you get to know. Sometimes I’m left distraught cause I see people are all the same so why the fuck I’m still alive oh my dear Lord…what plans do you have for a nigga you should let me know.

Right now I live by a day to day basis. After all the hell I’ve already seen all I do is count my blessings and tread forth. Niggas swear they hard but most just be flowing soft. Useless as it is they believe they real niggas when they just disrespecting women and waste their time on shitty things. Before I sleep I talk to you and you must be mad with me or its karma I’m still confused to who I’ll spend my forever with. When I make mistakes it’s the fastest way to my growth but some of them won’t let me live in peace even when its remorse that I give. Lord tell me how should I stay positive when they never see good in me even though I got hood in me. I hope you’ll one day let me redeem myself so that I can look back and say it was all worth it.

I say my prayers cause this life ain’t fair; a bunch of backstabbing motherfuckers holding positions of trust and don’t even know what to do with them. In a darn age where technology has made the world a global village people are still naïve, misguided and misinformed not realising we need new thieves in positions of power cause the old ones darn serve no one right. I wonder don’t you as a human look around and realise the world around you ain’t right. Lineup an election day but it’s just sheep going for slaughter and soon you take to arms to murder your fellow brother who stood by you when your baby mama got another all for someone who probably just wants to get fatter by the hour with no regard for the voter’s own well being. Don’t you just sit down and wonder where are your grand kids going to get from this; to carry on a legacy that never was?

Praise God because it’s hard to stay spiritual. Please erase my number out of these fake hoes. I saved her number just in case but now its case closed. Lord you made me versatile and well rounded. Every so often I fade deep in my thoughts in search of some lost comfort and get lost in the days and I think don’t give me too much you, don’t let them take control and if it’s one thing you do just don’t let them taint my soul. If you believe in God one thing is for sure, if you ain’t aim too high then you must be aiming too low. May no man alive come through and damage my faction nor question my passion.

The bigger we get the more likely egos collide but sometimes its good when we put our egos aside. I bet they see how I try to maneuver this game, I ain’t stupid. Be wary of any man that chains cause deep down he clings onto the need for power but in reality he is a coward cause ultimately he is scared to die and sometimes so am I but when I’m in tune with the most high I realise the fear only lies in my lack of awareness of the other side. We are all the same so the only one above me is God himself.

I demand real and that’s how it is going to stay. I don’t need no trophy wife nor a perfect bitch. I don’t need scrappy deals or shameless appeals. I’m in it for the real deal and I’m hoping that I get the job done so maybe one day I can hold my little baby girl and say daddy got you. Rest in peace to any nigga who chooses to hate and block someone else’s shine. I know the reason you feel this way. I know just who you want to be so everyday thank the man upstairs that I ain’t you and you ain’t me. Lord will you tell me if I have changed and I swear I won’t tell a soul.

So I believe love exists can you really blame me? Just cause u don’t see air don’t mean it is not a necessity. But oh my dear Lord you know how much I’ve steered my way from seeking what destroys most in that pursuit for happiness. Happiness comes from within and no one’s approval should decide whether you smile tomorrow or laugh the next day. I hope I drink what I preach for a man’s pride is his word and my word is my pillar of life.

Get to know somebody and you really learn a lot about them and so it won’t be long before you start to doubt them, assume so much you tell yourself you better off without them then in time you will find you can t walk without them, can’t talk without them cause you got here together and so you don’t want to leave without them so you walk back and make a scene about them just cause you are a selfish son of a bitch that only acknowledges your own pain but there is only really one thing about them, it’s called love and people will never stop believing in it. But in real sense they just perceive the world differently cause hate cannot exist without love cause you only know true pain once you enjoyed joy. I apologise if I’ve never said this before.

Good Lord, can’t you see me getting down on a hoe? And sometimes I wonder when they read my shit can they feel my hunger? Stealing the show may be a crime unless you do it right? Why hate and get just a little bitter cause someone else’s game might be whack or better. A nigga with a dream (how euphoric), that’s all I am so if it’s about that  C.R.E.A.M (Cash Rules Everything Around Me) then I want to be all up in that spot and that’s why I don’t give a fuck about no high end fashion like it’s some desperate cry to impress no one that actually care or maybe its cause I’m still too broke but I also know that maybe I’m just too dope to write about that regular shit or bag that regular bitch.

It may be hard for them but I know you understand the naïve bastard beating on his wife or that ignorant mother who abandoned her child, I know you understand the corrupt leader bribing his way through power or that misguided teenager who quit school because it didn’t fit in. I wouldn’t be damned if you didn’t understand us all even I who sometimes goes consequences-be-damned.

So no one worry about me, it won’t be long before you know about me. My head’s to the sky and I’m on my grind bursting my ass like I don’t give a damn about my own behind. I’m reaching in for the clouds trynna take what is mine. Pour out some liquor for my niggas at the cross roads and may the Lord give guidance to your lost souls but like I said I know deep inside you all know there is more to life than smacking hoes and stacking dough.

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CIRCUS IN A GYRE

I truly felt your betrayal,

You left me and the loneliness left me too,

I don’t think of you now I hope you’ve reached ur waterloo,

Shredding your memories, the pieces fell like snow,

And the naked truth, froze in the coldness,

Look at me now; I am the master of my self,

Whipped the hell out of your affections,

Watched the remains of our relationship die,

I’ve found the elixir of my life,

Fate will bring u to me in chains,

Walking on your knees,

On the broken glass of your love life,

The ghost of your betrayal will haunt you,

To your grave, just like a whiplash to a slave,

No sympathy from me, my heart turned to stone,

The mesmeric suck of the past gets you,

And you turned to a pillar of salt,

Frozen in the past,

Watch me rise to glory,

As u wallow in gory.

DAMAGE

Sometimes you don’t realise what you’ve done until you’ve seen the damage and I’ve looked at the damage…

Look we got to talk, dang I know but some things I got to get off my chest. Baby come here and sit down, let us talk. I got a lot to say so I guess I’ll start by saying that I love you but you know this thing ain’t been no walk in the park for us. I swear it will only take like a minute I promise you’ll understand when I’m finish and I don’t want to see you cry but I don’t want to be the one who tells you  a lie so how do you let it go? When you just don’t know what is on the other side of the door when you’re walking out. And you see most of the time everything I try to remember to say always just goes out of my head so I’m going to do the best I can to make you understand. I’ve held on for a while now and there’s never a right time to say goodbye but I got to make the first move cause if I don’t you are going to start hating me but I still feel the way I once felt about you and it’s not you it’s me. I just kinda gotta figure out what I need and now I understand that we got to go our separate ways. It’s so hard but I got to do it and its killing me cause there is never a right time to say goodbye.

I should have stopped after you or maybe after the first one but then I was too much invested in burying my own pain and living on the edge of young wild and reckless. I remember there was that time 3am, my phone ring she begging  me to come by so bad and I was just right around the corner. I know I could’ve said no but I didn’t. Instead I said yes the minute she said don’t even knock ill leave the door unlocked for you. I should have listened to my intuition. She had a tank top on I took it off and I should’ve stopped but she ain’t let me, she kissed me soft and gently, damn she tempt me and right then I stopped thinking consequences but I guess I must have lost my mind for a minute and soon she became a gateway to a pattern:

I find myself telling her how beautiful she is anyway. ‘Cause it’s true, all women are, in one way or another. You know, there’s always something about every damn one of you, it’s a smile, a curve, a secret. You ladies really are the most amazing creatures, my life’s work. But then there is the morning after, a hangover and the realisation that I’m not quite as available as I thought I was the night before. And then she’s gone, and I’m haunted by yet another road not taken.

So just look at the damage that I’ve caused but girl you know that I love you and with them others that was mostly lust and a lifetime of bottled up rage and pure emotion. Shit shouldn’t have happened and I know that I messed up, one lie started this whole thing and now just look at the damage. The damage that I also caused you. I know I broke your heart, cause I did you wrong. Lost myself in a world unknown to me. Forgetting that hell got real for you the minute shit went sour. My selfishness caused this damage. It’s the dumbest decision that I made and I ain’t proud of, cause that meant that absolutely nothing you did caused me your love. I have to live with regret, deserve to get what you give, and now you won’t listen to nothing that I’m saying. Sometimes I rode passed your house for hours just to feel close to you. Sometimes go on ahead and pops some pills and portions just to get lost in memories of you but no cards, no gifts, no flowers could get me back with you. Your kiss, your touch girl, you know I’m missing. And to that effect I was trippin and dippin with these women in these streets just to find something exquisitely close to you.

Sometimes my heart is breaking and a thousand times I find myself asking why I’m I taking so long to say this? But trust me, girl I never meant to crash your world and I never thought I would see the day we grew apart. Losing you tore me apart way more than I expected and so I vented and I even gave a virgin the urge to rape me just for me to break her little heart cause as a matter of fact sometimes I just need some booty to get my shit in check. Stayed on this long road accumulating baggage and sometimes when he don’t do you good I was always going to do you better but turns out better the devil you knew than the angel you got to meet on a Friday night club drunk as hell. Always hitting clubs weekend to weekend venting and hoping I get my dick rubbed by some big booty women cause the life I portrayed was being a champagne pouring nigga loving me some big asses and tits. Oh how far I fell.

Popping up but never spending the night, knowingly tethering you to an emotionless being, and for all those I tore my apologies guess shit was deeper than you thought. At least I was always being polite never treating any of you with any bit of disrespect as far as my own knowledge is relevant. But I respect  those who knew what I was and outright what I got y’all needed a lot thus understanding that sometimes life in itself is already too much for extra feels. Sometimes I don’t remember y’all names but I remember how your pussy was like cause everybody know I’m always up to no good but can you blame me if I find every fucking single one of you fine pieces of art that I want to have to myself. So much underrated potential we have in our ladies.

For them I was mr.right to me they were just multiple miss tonights and sometimes, more often than not it wasn’t about finding the one but just the one that I desire and y’all can relate so don’t read this with any hate. Find a lady sitting at the back of a bus looking sweet enough to make a nigga need a fill in yet I get bored so fast that they won’t last but you see most of you just have my attention for a minute and then you lose me cause you all act like you deserve the world but very few can get there since your mind don’t match what your ass got and so look at the damage that I caused having a girl dump her boyfriend only for me to stand her up cause a fine damn thing in a little black dress just caught my attention. Mostly I’m occupied and y’all need time but that’s just something not worthy to provide if ur ass fat but ur mind blunt and ur personality more shitty than the last.

Get caught up in the damage then I get feels and so come here cause I’m about to take u higher cause we about to set this bitch on fire. Pour a lil gas, spark up your light. We all know looks kill and you definitely trynna make a killing and I know love is a gamble so u ain’t dealing with no broke nigga but I’m here lusting just like a thirsty nigga trynna bag a sister with a killer pussy. And now that I got some money I bet that head is going to be amazing. Yes chivalry is dead we ain’t gonna argue about it but u see its women  who killed it and if pussy was part of the stock exchange market then that stock be plummeting as hell every week cause ‘em ladies just giving it up too easy these days and it’s just disgracing. Some of this chics I haven’t seen since way back then when I thought you was just a cutie though your booty be a mad thing but now you went and got thick on a nigga and got me like goddamit hey now I got a thing for you and you have to understand it ain’t that serious cause I also got that THANG for you but only time will tell. Maybe just maybe cupid gonna shoot me down once and for all but till then I think I’m going to hang with you cause you see way back then I thought to fuck with you was impossible but some of you are already baby mama’s. Your body looking like a fucking pot of gold making me feel like u a lepricon and now you got that mean lil walk with the model pose. All up in this bitch slaying with your hair done and some designer clothes but I just hope your mind match what ur ass got.

Damn girl you are on a roll so don’t worry about your man. He don’t have to know but I get so bored so fast so they usually don’t last that’s why two of my exes are special cause it was like I met them in my favourite class. That ass got me hitting on you so fast but my life is like a movie I will only settle for a co-star. Maybe back then I had a lil boy crush on u before we grew up and my mind blew up with all these ideas that way I ain’t for sure if your love is really genuine. Is you my home girl? Show me what kind of friend you is, what if its phony and only too late for turning back so fuck it, we continuing, get that ass in position I’d love to bend you in. And so just like that I’ve caused all this carnage and brought y’all  this damage but to some extent it was only poetic justice cause I bet I was karma’s idea of what y’all deserved.

KENYAN RULES OF THE ROAD

In my beloved country Kenya getting a driving license is only half the job. Obeying the silent rules of the road is the key to surviving the Kenyan  road. Every day is like the fast and furious comes to town. To some extent it’s actually really amazing to witness the kind of mad skills the common ‘mwananchi’ has on the road. They say u don’t value life if u haven’t had a matatu experience. It’s an ultimate thrill ride maybe a little too much for the few who think they are better than us; from unruly touts na ‘majibu zao’ to dare devil drivers with nothing to lose. And how can I forget the passengers with an attitude. Driving in kenya is basically a way of living and you probably need to master and hold a few things to heart, and only once you have perfected this simple yet tactful rules will you crown yourself ‘king of the road’.

  1. Perfect the art of the swerve; Picture it is 6 am in the morning, there is traffic for miles and you have to get to work in 45 minutes. No Kenyan will board just any ordinary matatu cause their ass is on the clock and even the personal vehicle owner knows that to swerve is the only way forward. Going from lane to lane taking advantage of every space and mistakes of your fellow driver.
  2. Every overtaking attempt is liable to be considered a race; have u ever tried to overtake someone and just when your close they hit the gas on you and all of a sudden no one is backing down and in some very normal circumstances if you’re lucky enough you get to play chicken when there is an oncoming vehicle on your lane. Either you go on and see what happens if you actually make it to the other side or you hit the brakes and live to fight another day but hey you might be late for work so step on it.
  3. Let the horn work for you but just in case arm yourself with verbal diarrhea. You can hoot as much as you like and to some extent no one really cares but do it enough and you get on someone’s nerves and for some reason if they don’t move then they will throw some insults your way. Even the police get hooted at. Simply if someone is on the wrong hoot on them and if they talk shit then talk shit right back and if they happen to be bigger than you then speed away. There is more to life than broken jaws and black eyes.
  4. Your needs almost always come first; There is no time to wait for a car coming from a service lane to join the highway yet ur going at roughly 90km/hr. There are probably only four kinds of vehicles the Kenyan driver are forced to respect: government cars, police cars, ambulances and the fire trucks otherwise even a hearse gonna need to learn some patience and stubbornness. You must adopt an I don’t care attitude or you will always be bullied on the road by someone who is probably only going to the supermarket 10 min away while you’re struggling with you’re pregnant wife at the back. So yeah, be a bully its allowed.
  5. The art of the lotus flower dragon is mandatory. Calm your horses it is not an ancient Japanese karate move. It’s the art of the inch miss. As much as there are a lot of accidents it is still fair to say that they would be even triple the amount if it were not for the subtle move of the inch miss. When u hit your brakes an inch from a crush or to swerve an inch from the taillight of the vehicle ahead. It’s a very crucial skill that comes in handy more often than not especially in traffic jams where everyone wants to get past you so you have to be on high alert whenever the car ahead of you moves a centimeter.
  6. 50km/hr is the unsung speed limit on all public roads. No one has the time to wait behind you as you cruise on the road. No one is willing to wait for you to hold up the view of the road when no one is technically in front of you on the road. I mean if u want to hog up the road then please travel either at my speed or faster than I. But I secretly like to think ur speed is ur pride, to hell with anyone else. Well you’re going to an appointment; I have an urgent phone call. That’s life get on with it.
  7. Multitasking; this is quite self explanatory.
  8. You must be a sharp sensed sentinel. Everything must be on you radar for every little detail matters and a lot of calculation goes on in your mind when ur driving on the Kenyan road. Calculating the trajectory of your next swerve or how fast your next overtake will be are very crucial part in surviving.
  9. Ignorance is a gift, embrace it; You can probably get out of an almost mistake with the ‘I didn’t know’ response or in more familiar terms ‘sikujua’ .
  10. Take risks to break the law but always be prepared to handle the Kenya police. ‘kitu kidogo’ could take u as far as u wish to go.

 

 

With these life hacks you will be fine.

CONFESSIONS OF AN INTOXICATED BLOGGER

I don’t know if there is a man alive who doesn’t enjoy the thrill of the chase. I doubt there is. I enjoy it. Doing it the old fashioned way; relentless admiration for one lady. I’ve had my fair share of women along the way. You see I peeped it, pussy is power, you know that proud feeling we get knowing that pussy is ours and how it feels to feel that feeling you feeling when you be drilling that shit got her saying you be killing that shit. And all that pain in the world caused she be healing that shit and though that ain’t your girl dawg you be feeling that chic and you just wanna tell her everything she might need but please for the mean time it’s just turn off the lights please.

That adrenaline rush we get when she turns you down and you just want her more after all forbidden fruit tastes sweetest. I feel sad for my brothers still stuck in our high school ways, the more I grow the more ya’ll seem to stay the same. Don’t even know the rules but yet ya’ll tryna play the game but I can’t blame you cause she summer time fine, she fine as hell I guess you met her for a reason only time will tell. Sometimes they get you wondering what type of shit she wanting, does she like the finer things in life or she a simple woman. Would she drink with a nigga, does she smoke weed and she shouldn’t be ashamed cause that ain’t a bad thing.

That then soon becomes euphoric and we slowly turn into more aggressive mongrels. And you see her as something quite cool cause she got u like damn I’m looking super fly with u, you do something to me cause girl I caught the vibes like you threw something to me so I threw them back now she got all my niggas hollaring who be that? Oh boy she bad, nigga what you about to do with that. Well I will take her home, so that we can sip some patron then we be zoning. I’m hoping she be freaky and if she shallow I will take her deeper; she is going to tell me what turns her on and even if it ain’t my style I’m planning on tripping later and hopefully we will both end up coming. So let your guard down girl then let your bra down girl, you knew exactly what you were getting into when you met me. So let me undress u real slow and I will make u feel special till I can feel your heart beat fast from that position as your hands reach out for the bed sheets only to sink in to some flesh. And now she licking while we freaking but you still mourning. Don’t blame me, you’re so fine I have to give it to you. I have a slight obsession of watching her face as she mourning. Does she like caressing or maybe she into that aggression. Should the lights go off or you might be freaky with the lights on and that’s just a blessing.

She got you fantasizing in your mind about how her body feels. We are sweating from all the thrill while u dripping wet from all that your body spill. And if you nervous or hesitant just let it go cause I’m just here to please you. Lately my life has been hell and heaven knows that you cook like an angel. God bless your every angle that got me so tangled. Got me doing shit like I’m supposed to. The night is still young I’m trying to make the goose bumps in your inner thigh show. I got this hidden agenda that she provoking. I got this bath water that she can soak in. I got things I could do with some lotion. And u sure as hell don’t need a towel cause you can get dry in the covers and when you think you like it I promise you are going to love it and when the sun is coming up through the curtains and we both yawning; I roll over, spank it and ask if I can hit it in the morning, the sun rising while you are mourning. God bless the woman who can hold her own and the homegirl that drove us home and the one that gave head like a coin toss.

And sometimes for the lucky few my intentions with you is usually pretty clear cause I’m learning not to judge a woman by the shit that she wears and neither can I objectify them therefore shouldn’t judge a nigga by the shit that you hear. Getting all defensive and apprehensive, I know we barely know each other and somehow you wound up in my bed so where we heading from here. Just say u scared if u scared but if u through we can do something that got you cooking a nigga breakfast in the morning like a reward.  Niggas sometimes so thirsty it irks me, you keep putting bitches over money but that ain’t my cup of tea though. I still swear if niggas put half of what they put in chasing ass into a craft you would surely end up famous or rich.

Now baby if you only had one wish would it be devious? Cause you already know who your genie is. Probably my prerogative right now is to hit but never commit but if it does happen please don’t let that be the last bitch; so sometimes I might ignore a hook up saying I’m going to hit her back knowing reruns are only for those who can keep up. Those who got nothing to do with feelings and shit.

When a man dies all his secrets go with him and become a part of history no longer known. Done did a lot of dirt I’ll bury with me when I’m gone but when my story is told how will they tell it? If I should die Lord this here is my will. Reincarnate a nigga and send me right back to the ville. Let me relive my younger days just once again. Reenact my memories from every friend to every foe. Keeping demons well buried in my closet. So long gone are the days when all I used to stress about was getting laid and it has gradually turned into me stressing on how the hell I get paid. If my heart stop pumping tomorrow no one should feel any kind of sorrow cause life is hard mentally and everything that happens is usually meant to be. Sometimes I ask myself if I was gone who would remember me. It’s hard to tell but one thing is for sure is that I want the whole world to remember me.

Now lately its been hard to tell my friends part from my enemies cause plenty niggas show me love but in their hearts it’s just hate deep within but why? I’m just a nigga from around the way who told his mama he would make it happen and is trying to find a way. May the Lord give guidance to the lost souls and I know that deep inside these niggas know there is more to life than smacking hoes and stacking dough and sometimes I wish God gave us guidelines on how to get from the sidelines.

Moore booze please.

…to be continued

THIS IS IT

What a barrage of emotions I’m going through? Let me explain. I’m at a point in my life where a lot of things from the past finally catch up to you and you are forced into a corner where changing yourself into a more adaptable version is your only option. All I’m trying to say is that I’m in that point of my life where I’m transition to my next self and it’s scary because I don’t know what to expect because I’ve been taking huge leaps of faith on certain decisions that may very well change u forever. And as things from the past come back to take a swing at you the current activities in your life are also beeping everywhere for you to handle them and not to forget the always creeping future that constantly pumps the pressure. You have to handle shit or something will give and we don’t want that. I’ve been there at the point where nothing makes sense and your mind crashes and burns and the verge of insanity that you always preach becomes a foregone reality. Hear it from me and those of us who have gone experienced such distraught times that it is for a fact not a happy place. I’m scared out of my wits of ever returning to that place after looking at how long it has taken me to fix shit or at least to this extent.

It’s been three years since I felt this sensation, this distinct warmness at the pit of my gut. You know when you suddenly feel like neo in the matrix and you just begin to dodge bullets and move as fast as them. When you no longer have to constantly look behind your back cause you ain’t scared any more. When you are so packed with zest u feel like scarface al’capone and tell them to bring it on. When the old shit no longer seems to hurt as it used to and the future seems to have a silver lining probably the only thing lacking in ur life. When voids left no longer sting cause you have had enough of the self pity. IM JUST READY TO GO, you know what I mean and I haven’t felt in that in well over four years and so in a bid to hold on to it and ride it to the end of this new babamboga epic adventure I decided it’s time to face one of my oldest of ghosts, twinkle nose I call her.

At first you’ld think how can such a magnificent specimen be referred to as a ghost but once something that happened way back gnaws at you more now than it did yesterday it becomes a ghost especially when ur torn between holding on cause you low key do not want to let go. Yeah five years ago I met a girl who hated at me at first sight and I reciprocated 100% but with time, getting to know each other it became fondness which later turned into close friendship then intimacy and finally three years in a collective unplanned sequence of prolonged events we realised we fell in love and no one said it but we knew. It was in my final year of high school, a year after not speaking to each other because I had a ‘girlfriend’, that it happened; we kissed and I became her first and I suddenly had someone in my life that I really cared about. But boys will be boys and in a bid to enjoy my youth, cumbered with pure immaturity, I fucked up and even though I tried to fix it we still drifted, never dating mind you.

We have lived seperate lives; mine slowly deteriorating after that moment in my life. I successfully ignored her for over a year staying away from her for as long as I could maybe cumbered with the occasional hey, you good : Yeah I’m good. Karma and her poetic justice came along during a period when I thought maybe finally I will forget twinkle nose when I met this gal I really liked, perhaps a more evil version of my perceived oldest ghost. Yeah for the second time I was truly really head over heels over a gal but like I said karma is the bitch she is for a reason, a well deserved contender of the bitch of the millennium title. My new obsession slowly becomes insecure and in time twinkle nose became a constant hot topic of our so ever heated arguments ultimately leading to the breakup accusing me of not letting go, that was shocking to me but hey I took it, after all I totally deserved it. For what it’s worth I don’t think I ever disrespected her nor ever thought of being disloyal, bygones became bygones. I was all alone in a city that I loved but didn’t love me and slowly turning me into a guy who probably won’t go down in history but will definitely go down on your sister. And I went thru gals like a hot knife on butter and 100% of the time anger and pure lust was the utter fire to my base and my dom self was born. To make a woman submit became the core and bane of every single meaningful relationship I’ve had till date.

Her memories became even more vivid as I went on pummeling myself through drugs like the last real spawn of ‘el chapo’. My lows were too hard to bear and getting high was my way to escape thinking of her and almost just tasting her at the tip of my tongue. Put on my sentimental tunes and get lost in the conversations we used to have and sometimes just picture the various ways I could James bond my way back into her life. The last true moment of happiness I had was with her on 31st December 2013 and I know even she can’t forget that day either but now I’m just lost in my liquor store blues reminiscing. Last year, perhaps karma again, I met someone and though we were both detached to each other me more than her; FWBs finally turned into a real thing but it was kind of a me you and her situation. In the process of whatever went down she taught me how to love again or let me say to the state where I value someone else more than I do myself and boom the passionate dom-loving sub bond but that’s a story for another day.

As I was just beginning to settle in into my new found flame karma pops one more knock and she leaves, kinda teaching me that some people come into your life and they touch you in such a way you can never forget and when they leave they go with a part of you that you can never have back and when you’re torn between holding on and never really letting go you may forgo certain things that were yours but u were so blind to see. And it was at that moment that it hit me I need to find closure and finally let go of twinkle nose. I needed to snip the bud and give up on the idea that some friendships can be salvaged. I had to give up on the idea that she was the one.

So after half a year of small talk and trying to meet her I just finally decided to bring it up on text and get it over with. I asked questions I needed answers to and she was very understanding to even let me go that far. In that small exchange of words I noticed a lot. And it became very clear that this can only happen if the world wants it to happen she may have forgiven me but u could still see the cold bitterness and my muse adviced that probably she doesn’t want to get past it and it’s not for me. For her that it is a safe guard becoming the only way we can never really develop a closeness again and no matter how much I try only she will decide.

Yeah so I said my goodbye and she might not have noticed it but It felt better later and now it’s to erase her for if I have to move forward I have to stay as far away from anything that might get to me. One thing I know is that I can never lie to myself…as a writer, I’m a sucker for happy endings, the guy gets the girl, she saves him from himself, fade to fucking black. As a guy who loves a girl, I realize there’s no such thing. There’s no sunset. There is just now, and there is just the two of us, which can be scary fucking ugly sometimes but if you close your eyes and listen to the whisper of your heart, if you simply keep trying and never ever give up no matter how many times you get it wrong until the beginning and ending blur into something called until we meet again…

MBOGA LIVES.