Dear Diary,

I’m used to my mind drifting these days; getting lost in my own thoughts every now and then, it becomes a thing. I know I made promises but I wonder as times stands as it is can I really amount to something. Do I even have faith? I push on because it’s my natural instinct to survive but how much more can I take of this. In particular moments in your own timeline you reach destinations that have scale tipping effects on your life and you’re met with hard choices; choices that sometimes are so hard yet need delicate answers to minimize the consequential results; such point is my life.

I find it so hard to inhale and explore what my mind can do but I have to exhale and its either I can’t or I don’t remember how to. I’m a walking ticking time bomb, stressed beyond my years by things that appear so easy to handle yet so hard to understand. I’m past that point where blaming karma is just stupid because I know better. I have these ideas that I can’t build into anything because I no longer have my peace of mind. To assume life is easy is ignorance but then to brand it difficult isn’t the best of terms. Life is confusing and probably with everything it has to offer it is not easy to understand. Simply life is just one huge tricky situation 70% of the time. I believe the best way to approach life is to take one step at a time with regards to both the past and the future because to say that they don’t matter is beyond arrogance but then again now is the only component of time that actually really matters but what if the next step is too far up, slippery, muddy and shrunk? What if the next step is a puzzle you cannot solve?

I know they say the only way is up but what happens when u get to up? The more I think about my problems the more I realize I am caught in a constant loop where every passing second is unrecoverable while the next might never come. In all honesty I wish for once I could just take the mask off and admit I don’t know the fuck I’m doing and I need help but who do I show my true self to. You could say my girlfriend but she got her own shit fucked up and she can’t trust herself. You would say my parents but the family drama that has already taken its heavy toll in my life doesn’t allow. I don’t have a mentor.  I’m just a 21 yr old guy who doesn’t know what to do. They say life is a test but who the hell is my tutor.

Sometimes I wonder are my peers out there just like me? Do they need help and isn’t that they u can’t ask for it but u don’t have the right person to ask from and so u try to do everything by yourself and turns out when they said self made they didn’t really mean ‘self’ made. I bet u don’t get where u need to be in this world without help or support from at least one other person but that’s the problem…what if you don’t get the right support?

These days keep going by and I try to keep an open mind but I got wounds within wounds that bring out even bigger wounds I didn’t know I had. I think I need a shrink or a muse or something that can help me out. It’s not that I don’t have moves to make I just don’t know if they are the right ones. I’m hoping that the man upstairs helps out but for all that I have done I won’t be mad if he didn’t feel obliged to give me direction. Yeah, I’m so awesome I judged myself. I try to talk but there is nothing I really wish to say because I just see the other person at the end of the conversation feeling burdened.

I’m hoping that I can suck it up and make the right choice but it’s the consequences that might result I am so afraid of yet if I ignore it then the consequences are infinitely poisonous to both concerned and uncounted for parties. I’m hoping I will get drank with someone and maybe I will talk to my heart’s feel then but till then I will stick to what works in the mean time and hopefully as I stall I will find a solution to my shit cause at the back of my mind; TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK TICK TOCK…….BOOOOOOOM! Pop goes the weasel.


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