AFFAIRS OF THE HEART

​Nothing but darkness from side to side. The lights are off after all it is four am in the morning and i am not the one adept to making other people suffer because i cannot find sleep or maybe sleep doesnt want me. Non the less a small torch on the glass table offers illumination. At the tip of the glass table is a well sharpened knife. By now you have guessed the aura surrounding me. I keep thinking that maybe today is the day after all its just my demons, the knife and I; by the time anyone realises i will probably be on the other side of the veil moonwalking from coast to coast. These areone of those nights you feel like making a classic.

People say those who opt to take the suicide highway are cowards and useless quitters who are a disgrace to mankind. It is again a common stereotype that those who chose to tread on and never give up despite all the hardships they have faced are way stronger and deserve more respect than those who choose to end themselves prematurely. But then i am here wondering who are braver; those who sit down at the end of the day in their warm seats and end up smiling to their pitiful lives holding on to the poisonous illusion called hope of a better tomorrow or the person who decides to stare straight into the cold eyes of death and is so much unphased by them because theirs are equally cold and empty and so they end their lives once they have had enough of this demonic ratchet place we call earth.

Maybe i didnt pose that question as intended, so i shall rephrase it; how many people are brave enough to pass death on themselves without fear of pain, regret or internal self conflict? You, who stand there and judge those who commit suicide as emotionally and mentally weak to handle the prongs of the earth could you end your life if it ever came a day u so wished?  Over one million people die every year from suicide alone hence being recorded as the second leading cause of death among 15-29 year olds globally in 2012 thus making suicide a global phenomenon in all regions of the world. To further drive my point home approximately 1.8% of worldwide deaths are suicides hence on average, one person dies by suicide every 40 seconds somewhere in the world but never forgetting that suicide attempts are up to 20 times more frequent than completed suicides.

Cool air creeps in. It fondles my body in chills of desolute proportions. Its crispy yet fine. Im in riot yet im comfy. Maybe it is the torment i suffer. A barrade of thoughts comes in mind and barrade they do in steep momentums that are difficult to synthesise but you try. Maybe at a time like this it scares me that when facing death im neither in acceptance or denial of the concept; i dont know about you but that scares me to my fucking bones. Yeah i mean i do cherish life, for what its worth, and the sweet not-so-serene pleasures this world offers though not purely but still i wonder for how long will i still keep fighting and holding on to hope. Its been two years now and nothing has got better. My life is stuck in a looped limbo. Im those kinda guys who enjoy control; we take control of a situation assess it and give exquisite effective responses to counter attack such situations in prestine fashion; in short im just saying i keenly assess then respond. But then when you get to know me you also get to see this side of me that appears free from concept and structure. Safe from stereotypical thinking . When you think of it control for me is unnecessarily necessary or is it vice versa – im still not sure – so to stay in a state of limbo that seems to not end is a mental blow i find hard to stomach and trying to get out of such a state is inevitably hell on earth probably its the hugest test i have had to face in my life and ironically enough its not what most people would consider a major problem but then again those they consider huge i have already been through a few of them and i handle them more artisticly than i do this.

I am lost  between keep going and throwing down the towel. Knocked down so many times life in itself becomes unbearingly bitter and u wonder for how long do u have to keep going before they admit you gave it your all. When you try to hold on to something, to live for something and everything u apparently put hope in eventually disappoints u to some degree but again im still hopeful and u wonder is it a natural human response in life to simply Hold On for Pain Ends. I turned twenty one just the other day but to say the truth i never felt more confused in my life and i cling on to this blique silhoutte memory that reminds me that im young an im not supposed to have everything figured out but then when what i foresee is very different from the outcomes i get, despite the inventive changes i make and some i am forced to make, still i come up short. I no longer have the requisite set skills to fuck life up and karma once in a while. Maybe on my best days i shove up some nine inch of steel up hers but these days have become so countable. Funny how i have hope in a father who never sees the real picture. Never takes me seriously he thinks he knows what i need; all i need is the friend i used to know. I just want that tag team buddy i used to have and in a painful way im a guy who has held on to the image of my father that my inner child still has and if this didnt sound as gay as it is about to, i would say it often but im just lost without him; but the direction he thinks i need to go is no longer mine and finding a new path in this old world is so damn difficult and as time seems to be ending on my side, i just realised i havent figured out nothing yet. Everything is just in shambles i cant piece together but hey he thinks my problem are friends and drugs and you wonder doesnt he have faith that he raised me right, raised me properly to seperate what is bad and what is good for myself?

Tears weld up in my eyes every time i think about the shit i have been through but then im a man and they say im not suppose to let them tears fall. Its so freaking annoying, leave alone frustrating, to be taught to stand up for what you believe in and ask questions where you dont agree, to think before you speak and to speak out when you feel things aint right. When you apply the very same principles onto those who preach this gospel they brand you a rebel. Its so damn frustrating when you dont know the fuck you doing in this lifehole and when you look at those who tell you to do this or that cause its good for you in quite frankly their life are just not what i picture for myself but then they are just dreams…just dreams…my dreams…we all have dreams.

I race my thumb through the blade. It feels fucked up, more than fucked up. Why im i on this pathway? I feel like im on the highway to hell. Im I the only one who feels like out of the 7 billion people in the world i can only tolerate a handful and thats the only way i would like it but even out of those i tolerate…DAMN…just DAMN. Sometimes i just dont understand what people want, one time they are telling you to watch your weight then the next time they are whining on how you have cut too much. Always hitting you with negative tones from both ends like damn and they expect you to smile likes its all walking on sunshine and farting rainbows but fuck that yall should be lucky the purge was just a figment of someone’s imagination and it would be in best interest for yall that it stayed that way. I feel everything and nothing at the same damn time, i feel weird and completely and utterly unfulfillingly empty. I dont know jack shit. The grip karma has on my neck is tightening by the day.

Any emotional relationship i try to cling on as an effort for self salvation, i presume, becomes expunged before it blooms. You get served up a whole plate of betraya and it no longer tastes bitter but just the usual. Betrayal is no longer a pain but a norm and pain its illegitimate cousin. In exquisite fashion you begin to realise that karma is like an onion when it comes to relationships; after the first layer of cork sucker are ten more layers of cork sucker. My voice is dry by now, the tick of the clock is so significantly loud as if R.L.Stine’s Cuckoo Clock Of Doom is a reality.I am lost in a scary internal battle where one me wishes to hold on to this pathetic excuse of a life and the other that wishes it was all over and i didnt have to toil over whether to lie and protect a friend  or tell the truth that stings more than hot iron on flesh, whether to stand up to your parents and speak my mind then live the rest of the year wondering if it was even worth it cause they never listened or keep it to yourself and hope for better days, whether to give up on finding ur place in this damn cold place or accepting the system and never truly feeling alive because it is a sure bet serving of useless crap…in clearer terms its naming a monkey corruption and expecting me to love it, whether to go for it one more time with everything i have got or just accept im  not good enough and do it their way, whether i love Galitos fried chicken better than KFC or which pizza would i want to devour on a Saturday night.

All these choices and for some reason its supposed to be okay that you will be punished for things you might as well dont know if its really right or is it wrong. Is it so hard to understand that suicide would be an option. The sweet sound of death that saves you from hell. A dark place where you no longer have to worry about having new tech or where your next meal comes from. Free from the deciphering pain of trying to decipher where you will get your next cheque from. Free from the true ruler of the world MONEY, you can call me materialistic but damn C.R.E.A.M (Cash Rules Everything Around Me). Sometimes i really miss being a kid where eating blueband choco and watching donald duck with a big bowl of icecream was the kind of Saturday morning i just wanted. When the pain of my week was five days of school from 8-4 with breaks and easy to understand concepts that don make every decision in my life a life or death situation but everything changed when u sit ur first major examination …the first bar the system sets and when u pass u have a social image to uphold and u no longer have a choice and what u can really become it is already narrowed down for u and if u fail then u have a certain image u need to uphold and so u cant choose what u become until u finally see the system puts the same bar points at every possible scenario u need but then if u also think the way i do then probably u realised we cant all be at the top for the system to remain balanced.

Damn i could end it all with just a cut you know. Two simple slices and before they find me i will either be gone or it will be too little too late.

But i guess life is like this and when u think of it, the old generation must give space for the new generation. Its not that their work is not appreciated but we forget without the old there cant be the new. The old soil gives forth for the new seed,  the old will always beget the new and if at all i dont owe it to myself i owe it to the bloodline i so rightly fight to protect. The years taken by generations before me to give me even the smallest of a fighting chance. I owe it to all those that sacrificed even an ounce of sweat for me to be where i am today. I owe it the woman who gave forth to me  and has solely been responsible for rescuing me from shitty situations than all my friends combined. I owe it to her for believing that i was meant for more than mediocre(She still believes). I owe it to my pops who has to this day provided me with enough to survive which is more than i deserve. I owe it to the love of a fine woman who choose to believe in me despite all the rest and she chooses to hold on to something beautiful, something greater than i would ever hope for. I owe it to her for all the times she stands by me and takes in all the bullshit and chooses to look beyond that thick skin. I owe it to all the times she fucks the Neanderthal man back in to my caveman natural self. She makes me believe. And finally i owe it to the generations that will come after me for one day i wish to leave my own seed and self reincarnation in this world and trust my will onto them and see them through and thus for that possibility, that small minute possibility i will hold on to every fighting chance i have and so to you death i might be stupid and i might not have the balls to go through with this but the truth is i am afraid of you taking me before i do what i need to do so if i can buy me some more time i will but the more sweeter truth is that i am more afraid of failure than i am of death. Its funny how sometimes i find inspiration from an anime…NARUTO and i guess i am just eager to die trying; anyway as much as im not where i want to be i see progress and though not a satisfactory fruit it is much better than nothing and i guess i still love my life. So to all those who feel like we almost done remember when the world gets heavy and gets too hard to carry im that midnight mercenary. I hope when u read this u will be stupid enough to hold onto hope and live to fight another day. I dont know about yall but i enjoy being stupid makes life less stressful.
HAPPY NEW YEAR

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