I AM NUMB

(For this writing the works of renowned artists were used I thank them for guiding my hands on these don’t judge just read.)

Everybody is cramming up my space everyone wanting to know how it went down and hoes availing themselves as I am single now. Yes, I am single now but that’s not the point. I am talking but no one is listening when I say I’m fine. So you’ll want me to bleed out cause ya’ll are telling me that I am so fucked up but when I look around everyone around me is way more fucked up than I am but oh well. I feel no pain, I do not but it seems I have to gorge my heart because yet again only paper will listen. It’s not that I am super human or anything I am simply numb to the pain.

So here goes nothing…

Look at us, never thought it would be you who would have found new, girl we may never know, it is enough knowing that I won’t lose my way but getting here wasn’t easy. We bend, don’t break that’s the story of us but I guess it’s I bend, don’t break that’s the story of me. No give or take, didn’t get me nowhere. I’ve learnt from the hurt along the way and it brought me right to you. I’m taking every road under the sun. Every dead end love brought another one. I should be fuming at all the time we wasted but a million wrongs lead me right to you, right there and it felt right, there. So right, there with you. Got scars, some of them you gave me some of them I caused, that doesn’t matter now. We both know the worst part is over and there is no letting go.

Hearts are like cars just racing on broken pavements going nowhere fast, still we stay on the gas. Love don’t ride easy and it aint always pretty; yeah I know cause I have taken every road. You gonna love me anyway though, that much I have figured out beside Sagittarius men are best equipped at diffusing the atomic bomb Aries. I know you probably never had somebody loving you like I do, somebody that’s there for you; don’t judge you cause I know we only human. I must be stupid babe, letting you slip away but I did what’s best for you cause I am gonna care anyway. You showed me all your flaws, I showed you mine, didn’t I? Yes I did. I claimed your baggage though but you lost mine and that’s the only shit that pisses me of. All those empty promises now cumbered with broken bottles or is the other way round. I mean you can’t tell me this pen writes in blue then all I get is green transcripts but then again it’s just chess right? Pure marketing.

I wish you could see you like I see you. It’s not like your no good, you just misunderstood. Now it is my job to make you a believer and them boys will never like this man they can’t love you like I can but oh well all this will be taken for pride and feeling myself another misplaced conceptions created around the male species but aren’t we already used to it. I mean after all I am a liar, a bastard, a cheater, never to be trusted, dogs of the lowest pedigree, stupid, in over my head, scum of the earth and my favorite not important. I laugh. But I will love her anyway…she asked for thru thick and thin all I’m being Is a darling handing whatever requires but even a computer needs a power supply lol. But I’m like use me baby, anyway you want, I wish you were mine in the broad daylight but unfortunately you only love me when the lights are off, you only love me cause I’m around, you only love me when no one’s around, you only love me when the sun goes down and you only love me cause I put it down and damn its fine by me #grinnin_like_a_hyena.

She is like the wind, she comes and goes and again. All of my friends think I’m a fool, silly them but I’m like use me baby anyway you want I still wish you were mine in the broad daylight. She knows I can take her there afterwards she just don’t care. You a freak and its fine by me; but honestly though doesn’t mean I give at most any fuck, lol.

This is my twisted dark fantasy and I just love it.

You should have stayed another night with me though, a one night stand is all I need, just you and me. Tell me how it feels, when your man don’t please you right then tell me how it feels after we take that ride. Damn it’s soothing knowing I will be in your fantasies. Imma kiss you from your head to your feet, SATISFACTION GUARANTEED because I will never come to tease you always just to please you but oh well in my fantasy wishes are horses and I the beggar will surely ride.

She got me up all night though, constant drinking and love songs, down and out with these love songs; just drowning out with these love songs. This has to be the longest crush ever and if I ever get to fuck that it would be the biggest burst ever. She on a power trip cause she got me where she want a nigga. Love is a drug, like the strongest shit ever and I’m on one. She got me wifin in the club make my homies wanna disown a nigga but for pete’s sake homie pull it together. Just fuck her one time and be through it forever but then she still got me up all night and all I’m singing are stupid love songs, just constant kushing and love songs; faded out cold with these love songs.

My walls are up now, just a little room left for the last beats of a dieing heart. Crashed and ironically still torn. Jumbled up and shriveled but it’s all in precautionary motion after all girl I feel no pain, I’m sorry but this time it aint the same. Aint no playing no silly games, I just wanna do my own thing. My wall isn’t to lock my sentimental part out though, I thank you cause for once I feel good about being sentimental cause it appears to be a human characteristic and I am enjoying . My wall though is just to keep you out from warming my heart again, keep you from coming and changing my mind then leaving me to fend for myself, stop my own mental cacophony from splitting open to you working day in day out to in cooperate a complex human in my simple life. Locking you out is my only option, I have been thru this once before and I know so I’m wiser now. I’m not over drinking, I’m barely thinking about you, yeah I have moments of wallow and grimace but I just piled u up with my other exes like tetris. All I am simply saying is that you are dead to me…in my own fantasy you are crucified upside down and being continuously dipped in hot tar repeatedly as every time after the pain your flesh renews and that’s only a small creavace of what ur hell is. I simply feel no pain; once bitten twice shy I’m just waiting for my next ‘saviour’.

I remember it used to be you wake up, I wake up. I gotta get that paper, you gotta get that cake up. You gotta do ur hair and put on that make up and then we gotta act like we care about this fake stuff. What a waste of our day, right? If we had our way you would roll out of bed say about 2.30 midday hit the blunt then hit me up to come over to your place. I would show up right away, we make love and then we fuck and then I give you ur space. All im trying to say, love is ours to make so we should make it cause everything else can wait anyway and this time is ours to take so we should take it but I have always stood to be corrected and I aint about to change now. We should just wake up, bake up and just heat the vape up. Let’s just get faded and u better call ur contacts and tell em you won’t make it. Aint nobody around, let’s get wasted and maybe we get naked; cause I have been working hard and I know you have been on the same shit. I just wanna ease your mind and make you feel all right, so go ahead and tell ur papi u gonna be with me tonight, right? It may not be love but it’s pretty close; some hot fudge and a little smoke up. Curled up with my head on your chest it’s the best remedy for the pain and the stress but no one knows. If the world doesn’t ever change well then never get dressed. It would have been like one soul – two halves, right?

Piece it up with this peace and love and my peace and love just like the old days.

But now…

Tell me what you say please come again? If you can’t just stay down and out then there is no need to pretend like there is no way out. I should never have let you in cause you got me face down and don’t take this personal but you’re the worst. You know what you’ve done to me and although it hurts u have also made me numb again but only to you I don’t know why it’s different this time. I just can’t keep running away anymore cause I don’t need you but I want you and I don’t mean to but I love you. You said that you would come again, you said that we would remain friends but you know that I depend on nothing or no one. So why would you show up so uninvited then just change my mind like that.

Please don’t take this personal but you aint shit and you weren’t special till I made you. You better act like you know that I have been through worse than you but I just can’t keep running away but I don’t need you and I might never again but I will always want you and it hurts me to admit that I never meant to, oh God knows but I have to love you.

Everybody’s like she no item, please don’t like ’em, she one nights ’em but I never listened though. I should have figured though all that shit you were spittin so unoriginal but it was you so I was with it but then tell you the truth wish we never did it cause I usually stick to the business but you came out the blue and then you just flipped my switch. God damn baby my mind was blown forgetting you live in a different time zone though. Think I know what this is, it’s just the time’s wrong you still immature and yeah I know what you did but baby I’m grown and my love is patient and that kinds shit. It was meant to survive through different types of bullshit if we would have build on it cause it was real but it was only if you the realest wouldn’t be fighting it but I think ur pride is just in the way.

I thought we were a fucking fairy tale, but if you’re careless with something long enough it breaks and that’s how I feel. Broken, completely and utterly broken but I am numb…always remember that I became numb.

Funny how everything changed once you got all that you wanted nothing was ever the same and though I don’t need you I still want you and though I never meant to but I … but I love you.

Goodbye, you were the worst but you were worth it.

“It’s a big bad world full of twists and turns and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment…the moment that could have changed everything.” – HANK MOODY.

 

 

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