( I really don’t expect a lot of people to understand this but it was only meant for one person but all you need to know is this love is old fashioned, its classic and its vintage and just like an antique diamond I give her my heart daily).
Have you ever loved someone so much you would give an arm for… No!!! I mean literally give an arm for. Have you ever seen someone smile so purely and for just a split second you see something more beautiful than the stars. When she touches your head and runs her the palm of her hands through your hair and you instantly feel at peace in an unfair world like you are untouchable. Have you ever sat down for hours and did nothing but French inhaled mary jane and stared at the ceiling for hours just thinking about her; what she is doing, if she is thinking about you, if she misses you, whether she knows you love her or not. I mean have you been in a place between satisfaction and limbo and you can’t choose whether you want more of her or accept what she already has offered cause its more than enough. When your mind cant comprehend cheating cause there is literally no one worthy of cheating with be it Cleopatra, exes of my Christmas past or Beyonce herself. Have you ever been mad at someone and she doesn’t need to say sorry for you to forgive cause she is so important to you, you instantly evolve from making excuses to finding ways of keeping her there even a minute more.
Have you been so attached to someone you feel like they have been around for years and you cant live without them. Have you ever been at crossroads where you clean up your act and stop flirting around cause you know it’s the right thing to do and not because you have to. When u feel simple deep entangled emotions for someone because they gave you hope when you couldn’t fend for yourself. Are you even listening to me? Have you ever been in a place where the wrong never bother you because the good is too sweet why even think about the bad when you can live with it? When you aren’t bothered when they go out because you don’t need cctv cameras to know she will always be faithful. Tell me, has it ever been so sweet for you that you no longer deem yourself as an abomination cause she thinks you are a magnificent creature merely misunderstood. Have you been in a state where you click so purely with someone it feels like she is your mother, daughter, wife, best friend, lover, sister and muse all in one.
Please understand that if you have never been at a point where only what they think about you matters and everyone else in this world can shove it. How sweet it feels to finally be someone’s one and only, to finally find someone who is just as twisted and wasted and fucked up in every sense like you. Have you ever had someone open there thighs for you and you feel them reach deep down and grab a soul you thought you never hard. When all you think about is how to use the little you have to make her even more comfortable because only her well being matters and yours doesn’t. Have you ever been in a state where someone kisses you and you feel a millennium of love hitting your heart like a blacksmith’s hammer on hot iron.
Please just tell me if you have reached out to someone that even if they fuck up you would rather say sorry for her mistakes than criticize her because if you did you might lose her. And have you ever felt so bad about saying the truth you would rather form something else to make up for loss time. Have you been down that lonely road where her wants come first and you don’t even care about yours cause God will after all provide or so I believe. Have you been with someone who thinks in the same beautiful wave lengths your mind has attuned to. I mean have you just glared down a dark road and all you saw were your flaws even if deep down you know you need to correct her too so that your fairy tale continues. Have you been in so much love you would rather hurt yourself before she feels left out and with time your principles change because you met someone worth every second. Love her so much, to you time loses meaning and measure. Been on that sick twisted road and you no longer feel alone cause you can feel the warmth of her hand on yours. When the road is so weary but they let you feed of their energy because in some way they always have the right things to say at the worst times.
All I am trying to say is that you have never been in love if they did say one thing and you said another and all you ever wanted to do is spend time in that conversation because it is better than anything. Have you ever been in love with someone so much it literally becomes unconditional so much you could forgive anything they do and I mean literally anything without even fussing or fighting? Have you loved so much that even during her temper-mental days all you wish is to hold her tightly kiss her deeply and remind her how much she means to you? How you always suspend your wants and needs so that hers come first because they mean more to this world than you do and you become this invisible human shield that can’t let anyone hurt her. You know you are their armor and you will destroy anyone who would try to harm her. Have you been to the point where her pain makes you feel such a pain it almost looks like witchcraft. I mean at this point if they told you to worship their God to be with them you would. Have you ever been so right that even after bursting out though justified you would rather say sorry or even worse wait for them to extend an olive branch so that you could grab it with both hands.I mean did you love someone so much that any word that comes from their mouth about u is usually to the extreme if it is good then it is awesome and if it is bad then it kills you inside and turns you into the shell of a man. Have you been around someone so much you forget how to control your jealousy and somehow you become addicted to sex but only with them because it is no longer sex but pure undistilled raw passion and sweet serene naked poetry.
I do not know if you understand me. Do you?
Have you met someone who simply whispers your name and it would be enough for you to run to her rescue? I mean someone who appreciates the fact that you have nothing to your name, you live in a shitty apartment and they don’t care as long as they can feel just as happy. Someone who makes you feel appreciated to the point other people can talk and talk about you and you never really care. I mean even your friends can go suck it and turn up becomes a leisure thing yet it used to be some sort of necessity.
Have you loved someone who can make you happy and sad at the same time. Have you felt the so comfortable your mouth just runs wide open and says all of your secrets and all your unrealistic demons because you feel at home, she smells like home. Like seeing her in fact just thinking of her is enough to brighten your day. I mean have you been down that very same road where the pain they cause is a result of the love they brought; when she hurts you it takes longer than usual to get over but still so fast than normal. I mean have you seen someone so naked you could see her demons rise and fall and all you did was kiss them softly. Have you been in so much love until her lies become so easy to bare and so easy to forget you just go ahead because you know they don’t mean any harm they are just afraid to hurt you. Like you would fuck up and deep down you are secure because their love has been unconditional just as yours.
I mean have you seen someone for who they are and still loved them and they felt the same way without conditions. Like have you seen someone at their total worst and smiled it all away because the prize ahead it]s truly one in a million. Been through thick and thin and still wake up tomorrow and move on like there was never a problem. I mean have you been with someone that you literally question what would ever make you leave each other. Ever been in love with someone who made it so comfortable to fart in public because they will fart with you and laugh about it. I mean someone who won’t open up directly but you will figure instantly when they are in pain by simple actions and mere intuition. I mean don’t you just wish you were there to fuck up the people who fuck them up and tell them to their face that nothing will ever go wrong. Has someone ever made it so comfortable for you to cheat because it was something you wanted to do (to my ex a million apologies still but u will never understand), like you gave up on love but you happen to find someone without planning and fall in love so gradually that you are generally shocked cause you can’t remember the precise moment you fell for them; like you were never meant to be you just happened. Have you loved someone so much that you always seem to have the right words to say at the worst times like ‘ stay close and say goodbye to the tears that you have cried, cry no more cause I am here by your side’ I mean when you literally fuck up and plan to make a whole four pages of speech but when you get there you are too clumsy but you speak from your heart and they get the message.
All those nights they stayed up with you talking about life and having fun and if for any reason tears were streaming down my face their shoulders are the safest place to run. Some things they would say to you would often catch you by surprise…lol so sweet they were…like how they would smile and say you are beautiful in every way or I love you just the way you are and in fact it became so sad that I took so long to realise that my best friend she became my lover and now I know there can’t be no other cause she knows me so well and still want me for yourself. My best friend I will spend forever remembering all that we have done together; my baby, my lover, my sister and my best friend.
Have you ever connected with anyone that much and thank the Lord everyday and they become the only reason you pray so you get an extra month for happiness otherwise you know happiness will never come again for a whole 9-10 months like it has, what more can I say? It seems like you fall in love all over again every time you spend time together cause you can’t help but feel that type of way when they make your summer rain.
Then karma turns right around and bites you and everything you stand for, turns on you to spite you. What happens when you become a main source of her pain or at least it seems you are? And you would miss when they you used to say baby you aint leaving no more, baby you are mine? When she wants to leave but remembers how far you have come from and how this cant be rekindled and she hangs on the best way she knows how to. When she tries to show she don’t need you no more but she cant hide that she does more than ever. When you pop up whenever but find her bleeding so much cause you weren’t there when she need you or so she thought. When her pain clouds her judgement and she no longer sees you as her super man at least it seems that way
Have you also had a whole 1:17:34 mix dedicated to her that makes you think of her and only her I mean have you also had to love someone that every song u listen to has somewhat of a good connection to them. Have you been in love to the point you sometimes get hurt and spend hours crying by yourself forgetting you are a man because you tried speaking out and all she saw was you victimizing yourself so you cry so that tomorrow you can go on with her love cause you simply will never find another? I mean has someone ever had you so worried you are always tempted to check their phone to confirm that she truly is yours and will jump to the slightest infringements because you are scared you are all alone in this. I mean have you ever fallen in love with your best friend and you thought you knew what you were doing but it turns out there is nothing you ever did right. How painful it is to give your heart to someone and you have walked down this path for so long girl after girl trying to turn yourslef into the perfect guy for that one person and it turns out the one girl you were doing it all for barely overlooks what you do or at least it feels like that. When you want to leave but no t really leave you just hoping they will show you how much you love them but they seem fine with it, and when you make it easier and ask why they love you they can’t tell you and you are left guessing are you a boy toy or a true love. Can I really be blamed that I feel so bad about wanting to go and I promised to not text but its all I want to do. When they know if they just turned around and had a heart to heart with you , it will feel right again and you will jump back in. When I literally look at every text hoping it’s a reply from her on my last text and then you find its from friends you really don’t care what they write. Shit do you know how painful it is to see you give your whole self for someone and you are willing to change your whole lifestyle for them and the little you ask for seems to always be out of reach, I mean how hard is it to just sit down and talk peacefully like you have in the past with no grudges they would rather make it seem like you are the whole reason you are falling apart. They would rather ran away before they admit why they love you or why they wouldn’t want you to leave and they hope you will figure it out for yourself. I mean when you feel you should be pampered or fought for only to be shocked that pushing them into such a position was actually fucking yourself up. When you are up at 3.22 am in the morning drinking gin smoking cigarettes and wallowing hoping they will text you back at least an ‘are you okay?’ but you only learn they will text when its only best for them or simply they want you to hurt as badly as they do. They are so constituted on being happy they forget you also need some maintenance however little it may be and you never ask for much. How painful it is to be a child only wanting to impress their parent but seem to fall short of glory every time but you never really give up you only wake up dust off and try again and when u speak out u get confused .
All I am saying is that I am in total love and I used to be someone’s man but tomorrow I will wake up only as a friend. A few months ago I was at the top of the world but now I am the scum of the earth and though we are broken, I know we really arent its simply because we have been through worse and came back just to show you how much of a fairy tale we are. I’m still here trying to pick the pieces and I wish for once we would just talk without fighting like we used but again I am just debating if I went to her place unannounced if she will appreciate that I still am trying or be mad that I am just confusing her. Karma just be done with it, tear drops have run dry and I am no longer who I used to be and I want to fix my life but I surely cant fix me without her and its not like it’s the first time I am saying this I just wish she knew I meant it all and I am afraid she will realise it only when its too late. Im not sure whats on her mind and now I swear to you a few hours ago I was sure I did the right thing because I blew up since I bottle up alot but now I am all like I should have just kept quiet let her vent and wait for my 31st. So again I am just a victim of my own conscience that happens to love a girl so much it doesn’t understand when it fucks up or not but I am still willing to do everything to keep her here even if I have to face the fact that maybe this time I may not be as lucky but I am sorry I cannot hold on if I feel i am forcing myself onto her I just wish for she would just do what she did when I got like this before I just wish she would back down and fix me then I fix her just like before and I swear this tear drops…; I hurt but I must be optimistic that tomorrow will be better again but life moves I will just hold on to the old adage that if they are truly yours then they will always find a way to get back to you but if they don’t then I will take the biggest blocks I can find and I will build a wall so huge no one else will ever get in and from then on my pain will always only be mine and hopefully it will become my strength.
I am not saying that she is the worst in the world damn she is a trophy wife the best thing infact the only woman I might have just probably really loved. She is awesome to every detail my friend and most guys will never comprehend what I mean (most of my friends) but I really never cared what people think of us and I want what makes me happy and it is only her. I am not saying I am better than her but I am saying is there is something she missed and she is taking too long and this post isnt to hurt her or ridicul her nope it is to remind her that as long as we still are alive this will never be over and people after us(if it gets to that) will have to live to the fact that they cant completely fill the shoes we will leave.
You all read posts I wrote about her; take you down, mamushka week and so on and some of them made most of you jealous and other wished they had what we had. You all have walked this road with us though not in full details but just enough to know how sweet we are together.
Thank u mboga holics for your time but I didn’t write this for you I wrote it for her hoping she will understand that I am hurting and hoping she will see it but if she doesn’t then its okay I will face the cold harsh truth that from then on I will always be alone but never the less I will always say thank you for being there cause to be honest she loved me when no one else but my mum could and for that she will always have my undying devotion no matter how much pain I cause her when I wallow with my hard painful words.
Have you ever loved someone so sincerely that you want to hurt her so bad sometimes and want to live but the you would rather stay because the good is more refreshing than anything before and all you wish to do the next day is rewind time and do it differently/
All I know is that all this time we have been dating she truly has been my one and all my friends can attest to the fact that indeed I put her before all of them and I truly did give her my best I am just sad that my best always seems short of and what hurts the most is if I ask what to do she would rather let me figure it out for myself and sometimes I do not know what to do. Before I put the last fullstop;
My dear beloved,
I love you and that’s all you need to know and believe. All I may write I already have said and you already have everything you need to hold on and have faith but I need you to know that yes you did well when my problems were brought to you but sometimes you brushed off the little things thinking they werent big deals and yet they hurt me sometimes and I know you undertsand what I mean because I also did it and was hurt when I found out that I was simply being stupid and blind. Thank you for all you have given but my time with you has not been enough please extend an olive brnch if you can before the clock hits 2016 and spend time with me on the last day of the year and I promise you will feel right again. Give me just one night before the year ends and if at all by morning you will feel like we should move our separate ways I will oblige .
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE ONE.