Tonight I might as well as pray to a God I don’t believe in. I feel broken; I am broken. My soul is lost within the black hole that resides in me. A pit full of pain that makes my mouth numb and my tongue limb; pain caused from the emotional trauma. All I have is a cold sensations from the demons that now call me brother and have thrived within me each passing day. And so I am scared, never have I been scared and so I am also scared that I am scared. I look at the mirror and see nothing I can remember about myself. All I see is an almost burnt face looking straight back at me with a wicked grin on him. Part of me is dead, rotting inside my own mental cacophony created by the boxed walls put in place by myself but forced by those close to me. I no longer have an ego though my dignity stand strong my everything else is nowhere to be seen. It is like over the months I have been reprogrammed by I don’t know who.
People tend to assume a lot, especially people very close to me. They look at me and they see the faults and always so quick to judge how weird I am or how stupid I look because I have different beliefs and look at the world completely different but I simply term it as more self-aware. Simply because I repel the norm yet we don’t know if what is called the norm is really the norm or some pompous bull crap served up to keep us all in a checked, gated and civilized society. Names I have been called, insults have been thrown on my feet and to the extent where my ideas are looked at last because they don’t ‘make sense’ (Just cause you don’t understand me doesn’t mean I don’t make sense). How people won’t believe what I have to say or even give it time because it is not normal. Dejection cumbers my body and the psyche that forms me is slowly withering and fading and I only grow colder but why? I fight everyday to keep my sanity in check but is it even enough? Wake up to the same routine where I have to fight for every chance I get simply because I have different beliefs or simply I am not normal. They never give me a chance and my ideas are always thrown out of the door as soon as something ‘better’ comes along yet mine are full proof and even if they are not shouldn’t you try before you rule me out.
Welcome to my life; where you feel like breaking down and always feel out of place like somehow you just don’t belong. Where everything sweet comes once in a while but never lasts. Where the people you care about the most are the constant cause for your pain but you always wipe the slate clean and start over and go to worlds end for them. Where family gives me more goose bumps than cheers. Where my only source of happiness has anger management issues and can’t see that loyalties have never changed. Where no one really understands you but those who do choose the wrong times to understand. Where you lock yourself in your room with the radio turned up so loud that no one hears you screaming. To be hurt, to be betrayed time and time again, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark, to be kicked when your down, to feel like you have been pushed around, to be on the edge of breaking down but there is no one left to save you. No one knows what it feels like to be me. The constant thrive to the attention of a man who has almost post apocalypted me, I almost wonder if I truly am a product of his loins.
I am the kind of guy who gives people second chances without grudges. I always see the good in people but over the years I have learned that observation is among my biggest assets but I hate it. I hate having to be the guy who has to read everybody he meets. The guy who gets told time and time again ‘ stop boosting your ego with this psychic psychological bull crap cause your nothing close to it’ I get it nobody likes being told head on how they are and the fact is over time I have realized there are people I ended up knowing more than they know themselves but it don’t mean I tell them what they do. But to be honest I hate this gift I wish I could return it back to sender. I don’t want to be the guy who is concentrating so much on someone’s own habitual pattern I can’t think of anything else. It’s so much a reflex action I am so sick of it so much so if it were a body part I would have cut it from my body long before this day but though thy gift is thy curse it comes in handy more times than not.
People usually come up to me and tell me how they know me so well. They probably go forming their own theories of how I behave, if someone is correct I will give it to them but if ur not at all correct then take it lightly. I am sorry I am just being me and I don’t know how to stop being the guy. I have lost so much and I don’t think I have any more for karma to squeeze out of me but it’s cool squeeze away baby girl squeeze away at this point in time it is way better than feeling lonely. I have been so used to trusting my gut and my gut has never misled me yet but when you are so far down the rabbit hole you cant see the entrance you begin to question yourself and when you are locked behind a small room I call home with enough of ‘Mary Jane’ to make you as faded as a horse on a vodka diet and then the paranoia sets in and all you think of are the people who come promise to stay and go. How you lose your friends without you realizing. It’s like I wasn’t event meant for this.
I tell myself that reality is all that matters and so I tread the line of optimism and pessimism very carefully making me a realist and thus I look forward to everyday because it’s a new day, a fresh beginning but I used to wake up with a smile on my face because I have everything to live for and if there isn’t then there must be something to live for as I would rather live for something than die for nothing. But in present I wake up smiling and it quickly changes into something way ugly and all that happiness fades away and I remain an empty shell of what I was but it’s okay, I call that feeling home now. Then there is that source of happiness I have, my one sure stress reliever but I guess the doctor mixed my dosage this month round or maybe I took the wrong drug I don’t know but I will definitely go so he can fix my prescription I can’t live without my drug.
So two weeks ago I found out something I shouldn’t have I guess and I was pissed in fact I was infuriated beyond my limits. It felt bad and for a moment I almost lost it but I took a gamble on life and took a different approach from things and I found out I can live thru it the pain wasn’t enough to sabotage my attachment to a particular variable in the equation that is my life. And so due to this, I later found out that this variable is actually a constant that makes the equation utterly useless and incomplete if not included and so I had to forget and move on because why throw away happiness because of one simple idiotic inconsistency and besides I trust myself enough to move past it but when you are constantly surrounded by people who doubt your capability and think it is weird and in fact impossible because they never heard of it but when it comes to a situation that involves them it is usually so simple for anyone to say there is a first time for everything but not when you forget the unforgettable.
I practically have nothing more to live for and those that I thought I did live for have proved I don’t even mean shit to them so why I’m I alive. Always puts a tear in my eye when I remember to someone you are just garbage but doesn’t mean that is the end of the road. I can’t definitely kill myself cause I love me too much but then do I deserve to live with this pain my whole life. It’s like I am being punished for something, after all, we all live the lives we deserve and this is what I deserve. I have nothing left on me but some shaken up dignity and a shilling worth of ego; nothing more nothing less and I only wish to rebuild the fortified walls I already lay out a long time ago. Is it really worth it though? Every passing minute my mental state changes and I become a new me because I pick up something new but all this years of building my own genius mind and for what…life sucks harder than a mother fucker. Unfortunately for me my pain will forever be mine, my disappointments only mine to bear…I may not be superman but I got this handled and besides I feel that icebox encroaching my heart now and its no longer easy for me to breathe so much so death is such a comfortable solution.
KEEP HOPE ALIVE AND HOPE SHALL KEEP YOU ALIVE
That is the statement that has become my norm and I tell myself this everyday so I can find a way back to my high horse. I am lost without happiness but I am nothing without hope so are we all? Hope is the very fiber of our existence. Mankind simply evolves all on the basis for a better tomorrow or a greater future. I wake up every day hoping it will better than tomorrow. Hoping that maybe today I will get that dream job. It’s the hope of a better future that keeps me strong; a life where I have kids brought up in their own parents images to a point they think just like me and teach them I will everything that makes sense to me I shall dispose onto them. I want a future bright enough where money buys everything I want. Hope is the only reason I wake up and instead of trying to drown myself in liquor I wake up and try to make a plan. Hope is the only reason humanity is not another Sodom and Gomorrah. Hope is the only reason I tolerate all the bullshit that comes with my life and still put a smile on my face. Hope is why I forgive and why I am kind. Hope is why I look forward to tomorrow, live out my today and completely forget my yesterday. Hope guides my soul to an eternal fountain of youth and hopeful from there is where my will to live shall come from. I just live every day at a time; I don’t have a big secret neither do I use any form of relaxant I was just born this way and this is my survival tactic in this rhetoric fucked up world cause at the end of the day I have learned to fend for myself and I get it I am a waste of time to so many people but the few that look my way may find what they truly are looking for. Don’t think about it after all when you die all these grudges and problems will remain on earth and so I only wish that I find my path before it is too late and from there I can curve a future for my family and build my own empire that is my only true purpose for living
Mboga strikes again from tablet with love