WHY I MASTURDATE?

Catchy title ey? I know some guys read what they wanted to see and immediately ignored the article(I’m guessing we’re down to around 80% from the initial readers of my title)As for you curious lads and sick freaks, buckle up because it’s gonna be a bumpy ride(read).

Anyone who resides in Kasarani will tell you we are blessed with a number of swimming pools evenly distributed within the area.This important bit of information is very crucial to this piece, as you shall discover as you read on. I am not a great swimmer. Heck! I am barely a good swimmer. Sure, I can front crawl, butterfly, breast stroke blah blah but I am not Sanford good. (Haha,Dunford… I meant Dunford) Before you crucify me for my silly blunder, I would like to explain. My subconscious got carried away, moving from swimming strokes to Different Strokes to Sanford and son. Huh? Clueless readers be like “Whatchu talking about Willis?”Haha… See what I did there. The chosen few will get this one. A joke within a joke. You gotta admit,that’s pretty deep.Enough with the jokes though, I have delved into tangentials of the primal story so much I have to circle back to the main topic.

A special someone once accused my masturdation tendencies of bordering those of which are characteristic of bad people. Very, very bad people. Those whose names end with the _path suffix. Socios, psychos… you get the drill. However, all I ask for is your commitment. Do not judge me until I am finished, capiche?

So as not to miss anything, I am usually among the first to arrive. Quick change,shower,the usual crap. I then move into my observatory, citadel if you like, and wait for the drama to unfold. You see, observation is key here. Every minute detail has to be captured and analyzed simultaneously. I say hi to Tom(or ask why he isn’t in.. Don’t worry I’ll introduce him later), go for a few laps and move back into my fortress.

I would love to start by describing my favorite group, drowners (there is no such word in case you’re wondering) but that will spoil the fun, so I’ll save the best for last. Let’s start with the show-offs. One, they are always male, very fit with ‘unreal’ abs.You know the ones forged by the gods on day eight? No? BadNews Barrett?nothing? Cristiano Ronaldo? Still nothing ?Magic Mike’s troupe?Although I have always wondered why Tatum was given the lead role on this one.He clearly has the worst abs in the troupe. I am sorry to inform my remaining readers that we’ve lost a huge chunk (about 20%…mostly women) of this, 15% have no control of their wild imagination and the remaining five have gone to inspect the Magic Mike troupe to determine if they agree with me or not. But I digress. The show-offs are usually the loudest, empty debes come to mind .What? Camaan!We were all thinking it… hehe.They also have these huge bags which I can only suspect of carrying at most four kg dumb-bells. I know I can be silly at times but what else can explain their frequent visits to the dressing room. They surely have to flex a bit before diving into the pool. You think looking that good is easy? But then again,I get lots of thoughts.

Next on the list, lifeguards. They come in an assortment of physiques and characters. We have the uptight, stern workaholics. Usually muscular males, mostly shirtless and always spotting a red whistle(dunno why it always has to be a red one),to symbolize danger I think.But then again, I get lots of thoughts… hehe. They will blow their whistles for the silliest of reasons. Backflips and fancy diving…prrr! Selfies in the pool…prrr! Onyi eating fries by the pool… prrr! Okay, the fries part is a lie. The zone is a crazy place.I was in the moment.I don’t give a duck.

Then we have the cool, laid back lifeguards.Mostly female or feminine to be precise,hehe. Always jolly,trying to muster everyone’s name. Not much of workers. Boring as duck.(What? I can’t use the f word, my mom reads these articles). Yes, that’s what I meant earlier by not giving a duck. Nothing to do with Daffy or his family. The last type of lifeguards are my favorite. They seem to have been fetched from some Scooby-doo episode.I’m sure you know the type. Live in a lighthouse, walk funny and always carrying a lantern or in this case an old bag. These mysterious fellows hardly talk and have these scary eyes that seem to tell you of the torment they have witnessed and at the same time revealing nothing of much detail.They will only perform one duty, diligently if I may add-rescue drowning males. Why only males you ask?I’ll explain later. They are cool guys though, very nice. Not like the previous phony ones.Tom falls under this category.

Yawn. Not you fool! Me. You think reading is difficult? Try writing. I am sorry for pulling a babamboga on you though, bear with me. At least it’s not 16 pages,lol..babamboga never ceases to amaze. Unfortunately the more I elongate this piece,the more we continue losing our dear readers with low concentration spans.You never know,it may have been a fly doing a backflip(I love backflips in case you didn’t notice) or trumpet sounds from the heavens…haha.Really?from the heavens? That one left me in stitches . I really need to stop writing,we are down to around 50% now.

Ah… The bombshells! They will always arrive late, fashionably late I’m told,fully geared;shower cap,goggles..heck!even flaps(think scuba gear) .Ati Aiiii!? Trust me,this is not an ‘in the zone’ moment. Some really do carry such gear. These ladies are usually very pretty with bodies ladies would die for. Think Iggy’s bod meets Vergara’s face.In addition to that,they are usually the best swimmers around, unless there is a zungu or indian kid within the premises…lol. For some reason, they always prefer the breaststroke technique. Rising elegantly from the water like beautiful Titans.They make me feel like I am in an episode’s shooting of Baywatch.My male readers have drifted to you know where, cutting down the percentage to around 20%. I will also have to stop here for today. Not because I have a wild imagination(like Eliott Kid… worst cartoon ever!) but because I am sooo hungry.

Part two will be better.Of drowners,of old-timers,of watchers and a very juicy story as to how Tom and I became friends,not forgetting the special someone’s claims.I really think it will be juicier. But then again…

Have a lovely week folks.

Onyiego was here

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