DYSFUNKTIONAL FAMILY

Family, an institution that determines half of what a man becomes. Having that in mind we tend to think that family should always be stead first prepared to take on the world adapting to the situation and outcomes thrown its way. Family = blood hence family is usually made of strong ties and bonds that cannot be broken not even by being disowned by a child or a parent but family doesn’t only extend as far as blood goes. Blood makes people related but loyalty makes you family and no matter the planet or utopia one lives in, loyalty will be above blood. Moving on swiftly to the matter at hand. My family, where to start. My family I think is the coolest of families though not the easiest to handle. Comprising of 4 legit members, 2 half brothers, 2 imported extended family, few smaller inner circle loyal friends and finally the ever so faithful dog. My family is not the best and we are not a team unit maybe in a competition we would take first prize if it requires team work. Maybe because we all love to win but the four legit members always have their thing and stepping on each others’ toes has become a norm with parents who very much encourage it. It has become of the daily routine. Unfortunately in my family I barely remember the last time we tasted true happiness and whenever happiness knocks on the door we either don’t fully enjoy it or we are not all there and the family spirit has serious been fading as time goes by and no one can be blamed with wrangles every single day as if it is Sparta. We all have boiling points some of which come way faster than others but unfortunately for me I have turned to this quiet tempermental man who has become a slave of his blind rage maybe because I have lost the connection that is Ayim William.

Basically, I want to dissect my family members on this blog post and nobody should overrate this cause whenever and wherever I will always put family before anything no matter how much hurt there is. I love my family and that will never change and as I write this right now I miss them all but too proud to tell them.

PATRICK

This is my younger brother. Born in the misfortune of time but has truly shown that if you fight hard enough you will get by in this world. Not the hardest worker of us all but truly a fighter but not a survivor but I blame that on our parents not that the parenting is wrong but he has found them soft, in fact too soft for my liking. Goes through with just the bare minimum and it has become his norm and probably the best motivation for him is that he wants a comfortable life but the problem he has it so deep in his mind that life is comfortable he has become lazy never putting extra effort thinking life will always be a bed of roses and though this is part of who he is I blame it on our parents as they haven’t drilled it in him like it was painfully drilled in me. The sooner he understands that this world is not home the quicker he will learn to fend for himself and as much as time is of the essence he still has a long way to go and a lot to learn. I love him and devote most of my attention to him since he looks up to me and we only have each other. I try to teach him what I have learned in the world over the years but I do not expose too much as age isn’t just but a number in this point in time while other things he will have to learn by himself. I try to show him a good example and though my methods are crude they work effectively. I do not always do right by him and I act as the realest niggah he knows cause only real will take you this far and already this early in point in life I have noticed he is not a book worm like I am or a educational junkie like our father.

He has a lot in front of him and the road he is on will never be easy and it is not his choice that he is the way he is but he can bet his ass that his older brother will be there through thick and thin and unlike examples I have seen I hope our relationship will go on to be more perspective in time. Funny as he is there is no way he can’t make you smile.

MUM

She probably may be the strongest woman I know having to live and control three bulls is kinda hard but oh well she manages. Truly the apple of my eye and of course that by default makes me a mama’s boy but what do you expect when she is the only person who has supported me through thick and thin in the sense she still believed and still believes in me even when all hope and everybody else looks aside(tears welding). I simply love this woman and only adore her and I may feel disappointed that I have only shared 19 years of my existence with her and would only ask for more or maybe just documentary videos from her childhood. Like a cyborg she wakes up earliest and repeats the same routine day in day out for years and she never gets tired and all she ever asks for is to be appreciated and yes sometimes I do go out of line and be a little harsh and hoping she reads this some day – I am truly sorry mum. She understands most of my characters to the point I agree that only your mother will ever know who you are. I am my mother’s son with some of my behaviors clearly her genes and I have taken her strengths as much as her weakness and I hope they pun out well for me as time goes by.

Loyal wife she is and as caring as I have seen her I have never asked for a replacement from God hoping she lives for quite some while cause I will need her. The only woman who I have truly vented to barely three to four times a whole year thus of course I need her way more than she needs her son here.

Unfortunately, I am unhappy about two things. Her major spoiler alert is that it is either her way or the high way especially when she believes her way is the best and this may just be a family trait. Yes, she might listen to you and your opinions and on some occasions she will change her views if need be. Though a very feisty woman she does cool down and sometimes apologizes even when she is not the one on the wrong. She is a very real woman and will always tell anyone and everyone the truth, truly the Martha Karua and Wangari Maathai of my life as she is head strong but those qualities are why this family is in order. Probably given the blessed gift of education for a few years extension she would probably have made quite the strides.

The worst thing about her is the way she always thinks she is righteous like she is always right. Its her way or the high way and it is usually not good when you are right but she finds it easy to say you love arguing than concede defeat and this has brought wrangles between her and I so many times and probably will never end. Sometimes she goes on the offence with dad and she is clearly wrong and if you tell her she will say I am siding with dad like I don’t have the right to play it safe. I never choose a side without playing it safe always striding on the fence but that is just the way it is.

I don’t need mothers day to say I love you but whenever I get the chance I will appreciate you and I hope you stay as long as The Lord can allow hoping that you will see me make it big in life and share all that with you even if I am to die a single man. She is among my best friends and she is the coolest mum ever always out to try new things. I only thank God for her and hope he can graciously offer this fighting woman a couple of more years maybe a few forevers.

DAD

Mixed emotions fill me completely as I sit to write this man. Of course I love my father but sometimes when cumbered with blind rage maybe I turn water into wine. Where to begin and even worse how to end so maybe a couple of shots first to leave me WUI-ing (Writing Under the Influence).

30 minutes later…

Dad is a very funny guy, my humor is a simple extension file of the Ayim gene, need I say more? Uptight though still cool you wonder how he mixes the two it seems a homogenous trait. Outstandingly a caring man with a network that makes his networth almost impossible to figure out. In the corporate world he is best at what he does with the job description of a boss. Born leader need I say more.

The man has been my only role model my whole life never with the particular interest to idolize the likes of Bill Gates but of late, extending as far as my early days in highschool, he has single handedly cracked the silhouette I have of him. This may be way immensely personal for me not to comment on it. For years I have always thought that having a father meant having a brother you can lean on with the prime function of moulding his children in a way fit for the survival of this cruel world and not necessarily in his own image. So, coming out of high school was a boy hoping his father would be a core pillar in life giving him the best instructions a father can. All I ever asked God for was someone who would actually take me out and have long manly talks about things and way other things. My mind then not so innocent but it was still young far from the vile filth this world throws at my feet. Fast forward a couple of years ahead and I can say I am in no way particularly happy with the man but don’t take me wrong my dad is no bum. He takes care of his family but only as far as the bare minimum of education food and shelter goes plus the increased secure future he preaches about there is nothing else. So far twisted when I look at his pay slip and look at how he has me thinking he gets probable mediocre salary but oh well his money his decisions to make.

The man is great at education but that may be the only thing he cares about and I don’t know much about him maybe a few skeletons in his closet that I am not really mad about but given the situation and change the players so many other people would already hate their fathers but why hate the man who is responsible for the single molecule that gave you life; the single atom that defines I am a man. Showering me with nothing but criticism and the lack of faith or hope in a son he has so much invested in but yet again that’s not my problem. Assumptions and a pride too huge he cannot apologise to a product of his own loins and again I ask myself in future would want to emulate a man who thinks telling a son sorry is shitty and its so painful and just to keep from crying I laugh. Unfortunate how the realest convos that I feel I was not being bullied to an idea are usually sport based yet I am here always the optimist hoping I have better days ahead of me. It never was a sin to be a wishful thinker and if he was to leave me now I would refrain from speaking at his funeral not that I wont feel the pain but I would be so entrenched with too much mixed emotions I would safeguard what I would really say to safe guard the bubble of an image he has tried to maintain before his friends.

Maybe he sees me as a child but I am 19 now, a man, though still young I have had my fair share of disappointments, experiences, lessons well learnt, knowledge and wisdom but then to him no youngster can school an older but then the likes of Mark Zuckerberg came before so many and inspired even older people to greater heights; schooling them at games they created. Expressed with a solemn beauty to perfrom in the game so beautiful my football career was nabbed at a young age when a father is totally against it. He will give excuses like the fox he has cleverly been moulded into and he only lies to himself if he goes to sleep thinking he actually convinced me that there was some good to how it was I would rather if he didn’t like something that doesn’t hurt him he should fake that smile till he makes it.

Its obvious he doesn’t like my gaming always thinking I am wasting my time and thus he has never supported me whenever it came to gaming even when a few years back we made a promise that if I did pass my exams I would get my own console, well I am still waiting for that console. To him it may be gaming to me it’s the only time in the world that things come in line for me and perfection. I have been the pinnacle of perfection to so many of my friends because gaming is mental for me, stringing up plays till you get that killer formation, maneuvering a controlled avatar of myself in a dream world where monsters are real and the fate of the world is in my hands I beat all levels to cement my place as the greatest Kenyan gamer who ever lived but oh well its just a waste of time that adds no value in life. Statistically all and every game boosts mental capability to about 60-80 % keeping the mind sharp and I doubt with all his educational escapades he would beat me at any game but checkers and cards all due to probability. It is not like I only play electronic games but to him it is just an addiction I will outgrow sorry though I intend to game to my grave introducing my children to the beautiful art.

How I go to school so hard with the intention to build a foundation that would be a building block for what I term a legacy for those who will depend on me in future and so I burst my ass but coming back home and being accused of selling credit to buy booze is kinda a low blow from a father and so this monster that I am can’t possibly be genetic besides a snake will only give birth to a snake never will you see worms. For years I have searched for his acceptance treating like its gold but even when I made it when so many expected failure only my mother shared my happiness but my dad naaah…he bought me a laptop and thought it would cover for all those times I got criticized. Thinking we are all the same hence his reading ways will work well with me judging life purely on his own actions forgetting that just like two different football teams, playing styles are totally different but achievements are purely awesome. Manchester United and Arsenal two different teams each with different blooming times, different coaches, different playing times and different teams both considered two top tier teams that are well decorated but for some reason we are all the same.

It is either his way or the high way and usually the high is cumbered with loads of blind shots on you . Living a life that is not particularly easy and not that so many people in the world would survive it but hey its my life so my choices and I am very confident in the choices I make never based on peer pressure and so my life my choices. I personally want the criticism and if I can’t get some awesome advice or even a pep talk then why would I care for words that come from someone who doesn’t expect much from me and thinks I am lost in the world yet I stood in front of them and told them how I am but I guess he trust his wits way more than me and I only hope that I pass but the truth is I won’t maybe obviously cause I can’t cope with the amount of stress and tightness of my schedule with no time to read but I try and to be honest in my class I don’t have competition much why lie but living life reading like a mad scientist with meniscus time equivalent to that which a mouse trap takes to snap is quite hard but oh well I manage never asking for too much my request bordering books and educational tools not forgetting my school weekly keep up fee is a bit short and never have I asked for a raise based on the simplicity that they will say I used it on drugs wasting my life.

Dear father,

So many times you push me behind blind rage and you fail to see how much it takes to restrain myself and you term a son challenging you or standing up to you as disrespect then the respect might have been wrongly explained in your lexicon. Do not take me wrong though, I love you to the point you would kill someone confess but I would pay the best lawyers to take you out of the mess but all there is between us is family and it is quite unfair u are never bothered to ignite that fire that has been there sitting by yourself thinking I am the problem in the equation and truly I may be but we all know in a court of law defending ourselves whichever court system unless cultural I would beat you hands down with no lawyer. Life cannot be based on rules that only one man make for me and you have turned family into an institution that looks like a school. Always thinking we are planning something against you with those cheap five cents mediocre assumptions which are basically 95% of the times wrong but I end being portrayed as the one who makes everything bad and I am usually the one defending your name when all goes down south. Maybe you had an outlined planned of how you wanted your son to be I am sorry I am not that man and if a son who fights for what he believes in even if he is one man disappoints you then pardon me for only more disappointment comes from this road not by choice but by default. I am not biased towards anyone and I love both my parents equally but differently. I am not asking for much,besides I am used to settling for less, all I want is a father who was actually THERE but not there. I am not lost in the world and all those bad things you think I indulge in but none of them are right, always back biting me to my mother with not enough zest to sit me down and ask me what the matter is.

The life I live will always be my choice and as your play a crucial role in moulding the man I am to be it is still a tiny blot I choose to listen to because sense comes from you and it is bitter that I concede that point to you. All I ask is that you treat me like a brother the same way you treat me when we are seated with your friends and then and only then will life be easy or will there be no rift. I am not a kid who is drowning himself with ‘mabeshte’ and ‘tindi’ till I can’t see the potential in myself and if you never did notice the sky is the limit but I have made it my point of view and if I am to be top at what I want to achieve then I need to live life mostly by my rules with utter most respect to my principles. If you could look at the world in my eyes or try to fit the shoes I wear then and only then will you know what I speak of is the truth, I am special and I mean really special so very different from other kids not basically about anything but how I look at the world from the perspective that a coin has a 100 sides.

I respect you and your decisions but if I don’t see a thing you say as something I will stomach I tell you with hopes it can be discussed but how you want to spoon feed me ideas that may not sit well with my system is actually very painful. Half the pain I feel these days is sadly your doing and my anger boils to the point it becomes blind rage but still you’re my father and I thank you for the far you have brought me and I will need you even when I’m with a family of my own but you don’t see this. Either something has to change or something will give or you never know I may just have my psychotic break. Heavy words in deed but only real words can be spewed from the work of baba mboga’s hands.

 

I don’t hate you father trust me I am a man not capable of hate and you are not losing me cause you already lost me way back then when you lost faith in high school and I only wonder how it would feel if I lost my faith in you on your capability of taking care of your family both socially and financially.

BABA MBOGA lives.

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