Today I learnt something about myself. I learnt that I lead a double life. I have learnt that I am not in the slightest bit the dark knight in shining amour. You see in this time that I have spent in the world I have learnt a lot of things and been through a lot and maybe with time I will share with you all my secrets, principles and beliefs. For now, let us look at my lifestyle. All I wish is that for just today you all shouldn’t view me as Baba_Mboga but rather Ayim William. I am not a superhero today neither I’m I a teenage mutant ninja turtle (TMNT) rather I am just any ordinary human; cut me and I will bleed.
People tend to think that I am this impervious person who has nothing but an icebox but the truth is I am just as any normal human being maybe more vulnerable than most guys. I don’t have an icebox but rather I have a heart that stands for my conscience and with time it has shriveled into nothing much but a skin bag with a tattoo “HEART”.
I tell people that I don’t like going to swim because of this unfortunate incident when I was a kid but the truth is I am just scared because I don’t think I can swim. I fear being embarrassed not as any different as the next man but yet again my ego speaks for myself. Last time I went into a swimming pool was two years ago and before that it was about ten or twelve years ago so I don’t think I can remember how to navigate the molecules that are H2O.
I try to act tough and say I don’t care about this or about that but the truth is I care about everything to the tiniest of detail. For me both the small and big things matter because they are always a gesture of good faith towards someone. I’m hurt by the smallest of things and I hurt many times than I show and some say it is being a man but truth is I’m just being me.
I make friends everywhere I go. It is easy for me to fit in the crowd and be what the crowd wants me to be but truth is I make all those friends in hope that I may find the few friends who really care about me and can understand me. All I have ever wanted is to be understood but there is nothing I can really do because more often than not people judge first and ask questions later so I gave a long time ago in making people understand me.
I have this awesome conection with any girl I meet where I understand them and they think this guy must be totally awesome but truth is I am just a guy who is totally and completely afraid of intimacy and every girl who automatically gets close to me by default I find away to mess it up like my own unique defense system. All I do is twist my character into what all these girls want. I’m scared that with time I might have scared everyone away.
People think that I am this awesome cool bad ass guy; a party animal who gets more action than he is supposed to but the truth is that I am actually a nerd who enjoys playing games, loves staying indoors, not afraid to do new things and I only manage a normal amount of action and I truly enjoy reading novels.
It is also true that everybody has these belief that my life is awesome and they come to me for advice as if I have everything figured out but truth is I’m just a guy who is trying to keep it all together though it is all falling apart.
I like my friends to think that I am this guy who has no time for my girlfriend and that they come before her but the truth is I enjoy spending time with her and I would rather be with her most of the time than be with anybody else. I make it all about her than me cause I like it that way. I am more a sweet lover than bad ass guy cause love turns me into this super-sentimental guy.
There is the notion that I do not care what people think about me but the truth is I care what people say and I listen to all my conversations no matter the mood I am in. I care about my weight and how I dress and if I hurt people I am equally as hurt too.
Well, the truth is I am also this fun-loving person who is always smiling and I actually take everything lightly. I do not enjoy to be controlled rather I enjoy being guided and most of all anybody who gets to know me better knows I am a mixture of demon and angel in one. I never want to cheat or lie to anyone but most of the time I would rather lie than tell the truth because the truth hurts. The truth is I care about people more than I care about myself because for me I can’t be saved but I believe in not being selfish. Yes, I have led my life this way most of the time I have been here and I must confess that it has been more painful than it has been good. So today, I will take a giant leap of faith and pray to God Almighty that come next year I don’t want to change much or give people the bullcrap that new year new me but I would rather hope he gives me the chance to right my wrongs and do it in the best possible way.