If you are reading this, it means I actually worked up the courage to post it, so good for me. You don’t know me very well, but if you get me started, I have the tendency to go on and on about how hard the writing and the living is for me. But this, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write. There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just say it: I met someone.
I have a confession to make. I didn’t like her very much at first. She was like this little blob perfect blob though but I didn’t pay much attention to her. She smelled nice. So I cruised along doing my thing, acting the fool, not really understanding how being a boyfriend to a great person changes you. And I don’t remember the exact moment everything changed. I just know that it did. One minute I was impenetrable. Nothing could touch me. The next, my heart was somehow beating outside my chest, exposed to the elements.
Loving her has been the most profound, intense, painful experience of my life. In fact it has been too much to bare but I would honestly do I all over again. As her boyfriend, I made a silent vow to protect her from the world. Never realizing I was the one who would end up hurting her the most. When I flash forward my heart breaks, mostly because I can’t imagine her speaking of me with any sort of pride, how could she? I am a child in a man’s body; I care for nothing and everything at the same time. Noble in thought but weak in action. Head at the wrong place, heart at the right.
It was an accident. I wasn’t looking for it. Actually it is better if I said she found me. I wasn’t on the make. It was a perfect storm. She said one thing and I said another. Next thing I knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in that conversation. Now there’s this feeling in my gut that she might be the one. She’s completely nuts in a way that makes me smile. Highly neurotic, a great deal of maintenance required. She is you. That’s the good news.
The bad news is that I have fucked up the best opportunity I had in ways I can’t fix and all I have to do is be patient. Truth is I don’t know how to be with you right now and all this is new to me. That scares the shit out of me, because I have this feeling that if I’m not with you right now, we’ll get lost out there. It’s a big, bad world full of people we can’t trust, twists and turns and people have a way of blinking and missing the moment, a moment that could have changed everything. I don’t know what’s going on with us and I can’t tell you why you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me. But damn, you smell good, like home, and you make excellent fries. That has to count for something right?