WORDS I SHOULD HAVE SAID.

So today, I wake up from the thing that caused me some of the most enjoyable times in the world. I wake up at 5.15am 4/12/2014 with the bitter realization that my life is a total mess and that many things need to be changed or with time they will change us, plus a hangover and a headache. In this lifetime, we have bitterly discovered that when we choose not to speak our hearts out we end up clogged in our own quagmire of guilt. This guilt in turn becomes fuel for some of the worst intentions known to man and at times, it becomes the adrenaline we need to inject ourselves with more adrenaline in form of drugs. I slept yesterday hoping I will wake up wiser and much older and I guess I did: cause I feel older by a day and wiser than I have ever been cause I am wide awake. I am wise enough to know that life and our tongues need to have moderated discretion and discrete moderation and that’s not all.

Words I should have said yesterday were stop, no more, never again, my last, its time I stopped being nostalgic and shit it. However, I guess when you are me there is no such. I have fallen so deep into the rabbit hole that is entertainment and I know I’m not this man and I never will be but yet again I do not feel indebted to bring back what has already pummeled and tumbled into the debris. Till I have completely milked this cow that is fun and jolly good I won’t stop. In the midst of my drunken self reinventing himself I remember a text that struck the softest corner of the icebox that is my heart and it was from an ex or is it a past ghoul of mine:”Happy birthday month William. Have a blast but I sincerely miss the old will…” girl please don’t tempt me. For the remainder of this year I will tone down my excitement and possible do things more maturely like the way it is supposed to be done but then after that time hits 12:01 january 1st 2015 I cant promise that it will be a new will cause we do know every year millions of people around the freaking planet make resolutions they can’t cover for, but I’m sure I won’t be this guy who is so impervious to pain that has resulted himself to becoming a lover of the bottle. All I’m saying is that I won’t stand there and completely eat all the bullcrap that karma serves me up and neither will I accept the monstrosities that life has to shove up in front of my face. I’m done sitting in the corner and expect my battles to fight themselves, done with the condescending voice of my conscience thinking that its always right to follow what it says and I say it is ENOUGH!!!

Words I should have said yesterday were stay with me, I need you, you are all I want, I love you , don’t take space. Nevertheless, truth is when I’m with you I get all tongue tied lost in your eyes I’m a fool and I know it and all the words I want to say or rather planned to say get lost somewhere between when I am out of the house and the minute I see you. I’m completely sure one man was never meant to feel so much love to the brink of his death and so I choose to let all this go and walk away with my pride intact just like a boss; with enough pride and humility mixed to know what we had was too beautiful and will always be something worth going back to but the pitiful truth is that you are my necessary poison in more angles than one, sweetest poison ever, the best drug but yet again you are also my fountain of youth and I only wished to have lived an eternity drinking you till I am born again in your own image. Yesterday I would have said,” This will be the hardest part we may ever know. I do not want to leave but we both know I have to go. So don’t you cry when we say goodbye please don’t make this hard on me. Just close your eyes and kiss me before I leave and just hold on to me… don’t let go. You are everything I have and everything I know and though you wont be here you will be with me everywhere I go. So don’t you cry when we say goodbye don’t make me miss you more cause this will always be worth waiting for and so just hold on to me and even when it seems you are alone don’t let go cause every night I dream about you. For a while I have pretended that this is a some sort of fairy tale and I will wake up and you will be there some what next to me and I know I shouldn’t tell you this but I can’t stop thinking about you. There is nothing that compares to what we had and so I walk alone and I don’t know what you have to say or what you want to say but the truth is I don’t want to know. You can say we might be together some day but nothing never lasts forever and nothing ever stays the same but I don’t know why I’m still like this. We tell ourselves that its best if we had space but we both know it kills more and when there is no space it feels weird but not for both of us but just for you because you are wired in a way your too sentimental to let it go and so that’s another one of your perfect imperfections. Why I’m I mad I don’t get it and I did it again, I admit it I left you standing there and now I regret it but it seems like every time I get the chance all I lose my cool and I blow it but I should kiss you and I should tell you, tell you just what I feel and next time I won’t stop I will listen to my heart cause what it feels is real and so I will kiss you. I’m here alone again stopping for green lights and I know I want to be more than friends and in my mind I might get it right somewhere down the line….you should also know that I’m completely done with defending myself for things that do not cost an arm or a leg I am done saying sorry for sticking thorns in your heart and see you push them in alone but yet again I am sorry…blah blah blah blah bottom line I LOVE YOU but im scared of it enough to let go.” These words I will never say and I can’t say because this is no dream world or some twisted Kenyan soap where people find their ways back to each other . This is reality and here you fight for what you believein even if you are just one man. This one man though is completely done with this thing called love(article for another day). Fun fact though she is Pisces and I am Sagittarius

Sagittarius + Pisces

Fire + Water = Steam
Both Sagittarius and Pisces are ruled by Jupiter. This means you have some immediate understanding of each other, and similar ways of thinking.But Pisces is also strongly influenced by Neptune, which makes them dreamy, sensitive and even mystical. This appeals to your Sagittarian idealism: you both feel there’s a deeper meaning to life. You could spend a lot of time tuning in to these common interests and building your relationship on them. There are also some significant differences between you. For example, you’re far more fiery and outgoing, and you could sometimes push receptive and easygoing Pisces to the point of retaliation.Also, Pisces needs time to take in their surroundings, and likes to dream their dreams at their own pace. This is the opposite of your gung-ho approach — you like to get things done now. You’d rather implement dreams than dream them. This difference could be a sticking point in your relationship. Pisces does relate to the domestic side of Sagittarius, though. This is because Pisces wants to settle into a familiar environment, create a family and get down to the job of living a life that is nurturing.That’s not to say they won’t enjoy exploring the world with you. The right sort of Pisces will soothe your tempestuous and volatile restlessness and share in the thrill of what you have to offer.
The sexual and emotional aspirations of Sagittarius and Pisces have a lot in common, so there can be some exciting moments for the two of you, both inside and outside the bedroom. Sensually speaking, this is a good match.

I’m done.

Words I should have said yesterday were act your age, be easeful, don’t treat me like I am some insignificant number on a math table, don’t make me a worthless piece of art in your gallery, I am sentimental, I watch love stories and enjoy mushy mushy stuff. But the world is a messed up place say this and automatically get thrown into the gay but straight pile of bodies. I’m so done looking for redemption because my soul has given up being skinned by targets people set for me like all my life I just have to live to fill some old shoes that only get bigger as time passes by. Truth be told the world and all its people(family included) should know that I am mad at them for the constant monotony of doing the same stuff time and time again and so I decide to wake up from this efd up epiphany and tell you all to shove it up your *** cause I am here to make the most out of my life and make the difference so I’m done trying to live up to a dream all have. From here henceforth I will care of what you have to say but the last decision will be made by my own self so if mum sees me cleaning utensils when I’m 50 years old then she should know my utensils my choice, if dad sees me getting a first class honors then he should know that it is my degree my choice. Life has pushed me enough and at this age from acquired experience I will tell you I am mature because I have realized so much from so little and I don’t need adults to spoon feed me crap instead I want to have people who support me because that’s what people are here for. I am the custodian of my own life I refuse that karma has to make my fate and write my destiny(if there is some shit called destiny any way) only God Almighty is allowed to control my life all of you can go jump off the Eiffel tower cause I am done caring.

“Expecting life to treat you fairly is like expecting a bull to not attack you because you apparently a vegetarian”

Words I should have said my whole life: Life is not a place for you to always be angry neither happy all the time. There is a reason why good and evil coexist thus we should know that life must be balanced on the scales of good and evil but your Libra scale should also weigh sins and forgiveness. I do not listen to people’s opinions so I have never had to face peer pressure and this is a part of me that nobody will ever take away from me. I am much human as the first person you say good morning to and I believe that some people were made for each other and I believe religion is a cash cow. I believe in the world of fantasy and dreams and await what life has in store for me with zest. From now on I wont cross boundaries but I will actually enjoy my life and make the most of it so if I want to drink I will drink, if I want to kiss you I will make it out right clear, if I want to drop out of school I will and if I want to write about everything and nothing at the same damn time I will because I am wired this way and I choose not to be a bitch to life and choose not to be a part of this system, this huge rendition of binary codes, this matrix that we call life. There might be an order of doing things but hell you can take that order and dance with it for all I care. I simply choose to live life at my own pace and my own principles as my survival kit.

My dear reader you should also do the same.

Listen to Katy Perry wide-awake you will understand me much better.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s